Update
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Join Date: Aug 2006
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Update
I thought I'd post an update on my little drama.
My h and I took our son to college this week. He is in a program that allowed him to check in with 500 other students instead of the 5,000 coming the next day. All went very well.
He and I've spent some time over the last week + talking about our family legacy. His final word on the topic was that he thought his Grandfather was probably certifiably insane and that no reason remained for me to "go there" again.
And.... for me I've had no contact with my father since that last hateful phone call. The one I made up my mind would be the last. I do still have thoughts. Probably the worst one is, "how can it be that my own Daddy, isn't trying to "fix" this?" "what lengths would I be willing to go to to remain in my child's life?" "why am I not worth that to him?" And when these thoughts come, I push them away, telling myself that all of this drama is about him and his choices, not me and mine. So far it's working pretty well.
I am amazingly calm and hopeful (even joyful) as we finish construction and get ready to start on the barn and fencing.
Thanks to all here who have shared their own experience.
My h and I took our son to college this week. He is in a program that allowed him to check in with 500 other students instead of the 5,000 coming the next day. All went very well.
He and I've spent some time over the last week + talking about our family legacy. His final word on the topic was that he thought his Grandfather was probably certifiably insane and that no reason remained for me to "go there" again.
And.... for me I've had no contact with my father since that last hateful phone call. The one I made up my mind would be the last. I do still have thoughts. Probably the worst one is, "how can it be that my own Daddy, isn't trying to "fix" this?" "what lengths would I be willing to go to to remain in my child's life?" "why am I not worth that to him?" And when these thoughts come, I push them away, telling myself that all of this drama is about him and his choices, not me and mine. So far it's working pretty well.
I am amazingly calm and hopeful (even joyful) as we finish construction and get ready to start on the barn and fencing.
Thanks to all here who have shared their own experience.
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
Good for your son, I'm sure he's going to do very well in college. And good for you for teaching him how to spot a 'certifiably insane' person (or maybe that's my own envy talking - I sure wished I'd known how to do that when I headed off for college).
And good for you for remaining detatched and keeping the focus on you.
As for those questions you keep asking yourself, you will most likely need to find an answer to them. The answer, you already know. He is an alcoholic. He is self centered. Everything is about him and what he wants. Daddy is just genetic material that brought you into this world.
There is a very old book call "Flat land". It is a book about a square who lives in a two dimensional world, and a sphere which comes to visit him. The square doesn't believe that the sphere is a sphere, because all he can see is a cirlce that can make itself bigger and smaller. Finally, the sphere yanks the square into three dimensions, then takes him on a tour of one dimension and no dimension (a point).
The point can see nothing but itself. It does not realize that anything or anyone exists aside from itself. When the sphere spoke to the point, the point replied something along the lines of "How very strange that I should say that to myself. Ah! I am always so very entertaining!" The point couldn't see anything outside of itself because it lived in no dimensions.
There are many people out there who are points. They literally can't see outside of themselves. No one else exists unless it is to serve their purposes. But it's hardest when we thought they loved us, and we come to accept that no one who is that self centered has the ability to love anyone other than themselves (if they even do that).
I am really really glad you feel so good about life right now! That is wonderful! Keep on keepin' on!
And good for you for remaining detatched and keeping the focus on you.
As for those questions you keep asking yourself, you will most likely need to find an answer to them. The answer, you already know. He is an alcoholic. He is self centered. Everything is about him and what he wants. Daddy is just genetic material that brought you into this world.
There is a very old book call "Flat land". It is a book about a square who lives in a two dimensional world, and a sphere which comes to visit him. The square doesn't believe that the sphere is a sphere, because all he can see is a cirlce that can make itself bigger and smaller. Finally, the sphere yanks the square into three dimensions, then takes him on a tour of one dimension and no dimension (a point).
The point can see nothing but itself. It does not realize that anything or anyone exists aside from itself. When the sphere spoke to the point, the point replied something along the lines of "How very strange that I should say that to myself. Ah! I am always so very entertaining!" The point couldn't see anything outside of itself because it lived in no dimensions.
There are many people out there who are points. They literally can't see outside of themselves. No one else exists unless it is to serve their purposes. But it's hardest when we thought they loved us, and we come to accept that no one who is that self centered has the ability to love anyone other than themselves (if they even do that).
I am really really glad you feel so good about life right now! That is wonderful! Keep on keepin' on!
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Join Date: Aug 2006
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Posts: 231
Yes, Mike it does feel good to have his support. But being me and ever the worrier, I've been concerned that Im too dependent on his approval.
I think I'm ok though. He told me yesterday that he's going to try writing to his grandfather. That he thought his gf was doing the best he could. Rather than feel threatened by this contact or feel "shamed" into making a similair effort myself, I was able to tell him calmly that how he chose to handle that relationship was his decision. And I was able to share some things about his gf that do point towards the truth of the statement "he's doing the best he can." i.e. things like, my Dad pulled his first drunk on stolen shine at the age of 5, or possibly even worse than that made up that he pulled his first drunk then. Whatever.
There are things in my Dad's life that were horrible and contributed to where he is today. Since my son and I've already had this conversation a few times I did not add, the fact that he(my Dad, his grandfather) chooses to remain where he is today, is however his own choice.
I think I'm ok though. He told me yesterday that he's going to try writing to his grandfather. That he thought his gf was doing the best he could. Rather than feel threatened by this contact or feel "shamed" into making a similair effort myself, I was able to tell him calmly that how he chose to handle that relationship was his decision. And I was able to share some things about his gf that do point towards the truth of the statement "he's doing the best he can." i.e. things like, my Dad pulled his first drunk on stolen shine at the age of 5, or possibly even worse than that made up that he pulled his first drunk then. Whatever.
There are things in my Dad's life that were horrible and contributed to where he is today. Since my son and I've already had this conversation a few times I did not add, the fact that he(my Dad, his grandfather) chooses to remain where he is today, is however his own choice.
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