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Join Date: Aug 2006
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Hi All,
I found this forum a couple of days ago. I’ve read hundreds of posts since then.
I recognize parts of my story in so many of yours. One difference in my version seems to be that I was much older before I even realized my mother was an alcoholic or that my Dad’s alcoholism had affected me. My mother died, my own drinking crossed the line and I did the infamous geographic cure. It worked too, for a while.
I’m not drinking, but after a 40 year dry spell my Dad is. He’s 80 years old, a major control freak, verbally abusive and physically threatening. (he pulled a gun on his brother during an episode last week)
This is the second time I’ve written this post the first one disappeared so I’ll get to the point.
I don’t want to work on this relationship any more. I’m an only child and I have one child. In typical acoa fashion I feel a tremendous compulsion to make my Daddy happy. He wrote me out of his will years ago (I sinned and told the hospital my mother had been drinking) and is now threatening my son with the same fate. It would be nice for my son to have the property, but it’s not worth either of our souls. It would be nice to have the friends and neighbors believe I’m a dutiful daughter, but that approval comes at too high of a price. It would be nice to have a rational conversation with my Dad, but it’s just not going to happen. I’ve done AA and alanon. I’ve got more hours in therapy than most of the Dr’s I’ve paid. I received absolution from my spiritual advisor years ago, along with the advice that I divorce my parents.
My plan is when the next phone call comes (and it’s going to be soon) to ask whoever it is if they need me to call the police or an ambulance or if they‘d like to handle the crisis themselves. I plan to not take any calls from my Dad at all in the near future, maybe never. Any suggestions gratefully received.
Why am I here? Because in spite of everything I’ve read, and heard and know, I still feel like an ungrateful child. I feel like I’ve failed. Do I feel this way because I haven’t really worked the program? Have I not processed all of the feelings I drowned for so long? Or is it maybe because in spite of mentally knowing better I’ve allowed the abuse to continue?
I know this is rambling. Part of the problem is that I thought I was ok and had done the program right, but that was when I was 1,200 miles away and had the luxury of taking my time reacting without feeling the judgment that brings.
Thank you for any help.
I found this forum a couple of days ago. I’ve read hundreds of posts since then.
I recognize parts of my story in so many of yours. One difference in my version seems to be that I was much older before I even realized my mother was an alcoholic or that my Dad’s alcoholism had affected me. My mother died, my own drinking crossed the line and I did the infamous geographic cure. It worked too, for a while.
I’m not drinking, but after a 40 year dry spell my Dad is. He’s 80 years old, a major control freak, verbally abusive and physically threatening. (he pulled a gun on his brother during an episode last week)
This is the second time I’ve written this post the first one disappeared so I’ll get to the point.
I don’t want to work on this relationship any more. I’m an only child and I have one child. In typical acoa fashion I feel a tremendous compulsion to make my Daddy happy. He wrote me out of his will years ago (I sinned and told the hospital my mother had been drinking) and is now threatening my son with the same fate. It would be nice for my son to have the property, but it’s not worth either of our souls. It would be nice to have the friends and neighbors believe I’m a dutiful daughter, but that approval comes at too high of a price. It would be nice to have a rational conversation with my Dad, but it’s just not going to happen. I’ve done AA and alanon. I’ve got more hours in therapy than most of the Dr’s I’ve paid. I received absolution from my spiritual advisor years ago, along with the advice that I divorce my parents.
My plan is when the next phone call comes (and it’s going to be soon) to ask whoever it is if they need me to call the police or an ambulance or if they‘d like to handle the crisis themselves. I plan to not take any calls from my Dad at all in the near future, maybe never. Any suggestions gratefully received.
Why am I here? Because in spite of everything I’ve read, and heard and know, I still feel like an ungrateful child. I feel like I’ve failed. Do I feel this way because I haven’t really worked the program? Have I not processed all of the feelings I drowned for so long? Or is it maybe because in spite of mentally knowing better I’ve allowed the abuse to continue?
I know this is rambling. Part of the problem is that I thought I was ok and had done the program right, but that was when I was 1,200 miles away and had the luxury of taking my time reacting without feeling the judgment that brings.
Thank you for any help.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Welcome to SR
You speak of a lost soul...
Honor your father and mother.
The best way I know how we can do that... be the best we can be...NOT do what others think we should do.
Doing what is right (not what is expected) are two different things.
I can honor my parents by being the best I can be. People will say..they must have done something right...look at their son.
I don't need be a doormate for improper behavior from them. Holding boundaries is the best I could have done for them.
Just as you told the hospital that your mom drinks is the best you could have done for her...Good job.
You honored her by showing love for her needs, not his wants.
You are a wonderful loving child to them.
You speak of a lost soul...
Honor your father and mother.
The best way I know how we can do that... be the best we can be...NOT do what others think we should do.
Doing what is right (not what is expected) are two different things.
I can honor my parents by being the best I can be. People will say..they must have done something right...look at their son.
I don't need be a doormate for improper behavior from them. Holding boundaries is the best I could have done for them.
Just as you told the hospital that your mom drinks is the best you could have done for her...Good job.
You honored her by showing love for her needs, not his wants.
You are a wonderful loving child to them.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Welcome to SR, glad to have you join us.
I walked away from my alcoholic parents many years ago. Contact with them was very harmful to my sanity, and placed my family in physical harm. I felt the "ACoA guilt" too. I have worked the program quite a bit, and had my share of shrinks. All of that has done me a great deal of good. The "guiltys" was just another small piece of the "puzzle" of my recovery. I worked on those guitly feelings just like any other emotional "baggage", and it didn't take long to put it to rest.
I know today that I did the best I could for my parents. What they needed was to find their own recovery, and that is not something that any other human could have given them, not even their own son. I had my own family to honor and protect, and being a "co-dependent" to my parents would _not_ honor and protect my wife and daughter.
My father passed away not too long ago, and I was able to finally do for him what he would never let me do while he was alive. I was able to be of service and help his second wife deal with the grief of his loss, and the nightmare of all the paperwork involved in his estate.
It sounds to me like you are handling your own issues just fine. You are sharing with other peopel on the program who have been where you are (us folk here on Sober Recovery). You are establishing boundaries to protect yourself from further harm (such as your plan for answering the phone). You are searching for answers and willing to listen. I think you're going to be fine.
As far as suggestions, what has helped me a lot is to do a "mini fourth step" on just my relationship with my parents. My expectations, my fears, my need to have their approval.
Feel free to ramble all you want, that's what we are here for.
Welcome again.
Mike
I walked away from my alcoholic parents many years ago. Contact with them was very harmful to my sanity, and placed my family in physical harm. I felt the "ACoA guilt" too. I have worked the program quite a bit, and had my share of shrinks. All of that has done me a great deal of good. The "guiltys" was just another small piece of the "puzzle" of my recovery. I worked on those guitly feelings just like any other emotional "baggage", and it didn't take long to put it to rest.
I know today that I did the best I could for my parents. What they needed was to find their own recovery, and that is not something that any other human could have given them, not even their own son. I had my own family to honor and protect, and being a "co-dependent" to my parents would _not_ honor and protect my wife and daughter.
My father passed away not too long ago, and I was able to finally do for him what he would never let me do while he was alive. I was able to be of service and help his second wife deal with the grief of his loss, and the nightmare of all the paperwork involved in his estate.
It sounds to me like you are handling your own issues just fine. You are sharing with other peopel on the program who have been where you are (us folk here on Sober Recovery). You are establishing boundaries to protect yourself from further harm (such as your plan for answering the phone). You are searching for answers and willing to listen. I think you're going to be fine.
As far as suggestions, what has helped me a lot is to do a "mini fourth step" on just my relationship with my parents. My expectations, my fears, my need to have their approval.
Feel free to ramble all you want, that's what we are here for.
Welcome again.
Mike
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Nearby
Posts: 231
Thanks to each of you for the kind and quick responses.
This morning I can see a little bit of good in all of this. More of the story....
My husband, son and I moved 1,200 miles away from this maddness, in part for job opportunities and in part for self preservation. This summer as we build a house a couple of hours away from my Dad and my son prepares to leave for college, we as a family decided to try having our son get to know his grandfather again.
The idea was that now that he is an adult in his own right, our son could develop a relationship with his grandfather that was separate mine and all it's baggage. (I'm sure that in the back of my mind, there lurks the thought that this was always my fault, if I'd been less sensitive, more loving, ......) That our son could spend the summer developing skills that are not readily available to young people today, fencing, plowing, cattle management, etc. And that we could ease the transition to college life by having him spend more time than usual away from Mom.
I have not always been the best parent and my child unfortunately bears at least some of the marks of an acoa. What I have done along the way is to try and share with him what I've been learning. And what happened is.....
My Dad's favorite pass time this summer has been to take my son around the county to visit his (Dad's) friends. This is to show him off. (In my heart, I think I know that he is secretly proud of both of us, but that could be wishful thinking on my part.) But the way it's done is to stand him in front of the other people and to make disparaging remarks about his appearance, his abilities, his accent, his background, hib abilities, you name it. After about a month my son had had enough. He took a two week break from the situation and when he went back and it started again he took my Dad aside (as opposed to embarassing him in front of someone) and told him he found his comments demeaning and hurtful. And so percipitated the current crisis.
In this crisis, I play the part of the disrespectful and incompetent child/mother, who is unable to control her own child. My son plays the part of the ungrateful and drugged up (for what else could explain how he's acting) grandchild and my father plays the part of the long suffering, always right, and often disrespected elder.
Except we're not playing our parts. My son (on his own) moved out, leaving a note thanking his grandfather for the lodging. And I told my Dad on the phone, (just before he hung up on me for the very, very last time), that I would take care of whatever is going on with my son's behavior and arrange appropriate punishment. The fact that I see nothing wrong and don't plan to "get him under control", is my business.
My father of course gets the last big scene and this was to squall at me in the awfulest voice I can conjure that, "even though I was killing him, ruining his life and acting just as stupid and hateful as my son, he still loved me."
The hope I see? I'm hopeful that if I ever pull this kind of manipulative behavior my son can spot it for what it is and call me on it.
This morning I can see a little bit of good in all of this. More of the story....
My husband, son and I moved 1,200 miles away from this maddness, in part for job opportunities and in part for self preservation. This summer as we build a house a couple of hours away from my Dad and my son prepares to leave for college, we as a family decided to try having our son get to know his grandfather again.
The idea was that now that he is an adult in his own right, our son could develop a relationship with his grandfather that was separate mine and all it's baggage. (I'm sure that in the back of my mind, there lurks the thought that this was always my fault, if I'd been less sensitive, more loving, ......) That our son could spend the summer developing skills that are not readily available to young people today, fencing, plowing, cattle management, etc. And that we could ease the transition to college life by having him spend more time than usual away from Mom.
I have not always been the best parent and my child unfortunately bears at least some of the marks of an acoa. What I have done along the way is to try and share with him what I've been learning. And what happened is.....
My Dad's favorite pass time this summer has been to take my son around the county to visit his (Dad's) friends. This is to show him off. (In my heart, I think I know that he is secretly proud of both of us, but that could be wishful thinking on my part.) But the way it's done is to stand him in front of the other people and to make disparaging remarks about his appearance, his abilities, his accent, his background, hib abilities, you name it. After about a month my son had had enough. He took a two week break from the situation and when he went back and it started again he took my Dad aside (as opposed to embarassing him in front of someone) and told him he found his comments demeaning and hurtful. And so percipitated the current crisis.
In this crisis, I play the part of the disrespectful and incompetent child/mother, who is unable to control her own child. My son plays the part of the ungrateful and drugged up (for what else could explain how he's acting) grandchild and my father plays the part of the long suffering, always right, and often disrespected elder.
Except we're not playing our parts. My son (on his own) moved out, leaving a note thanking his grandfather for the lodging. And I told my Dad on the phone, (just before he hung up on me for the very, very last time), that I would take care of whatever is going on with my son's behavior and arrange appropriate punishment. The fact that I see nothing wrong and don't plan to "get him under control", is my business.
My father of course gets the last big scene and this was to squall at me in the awfulest voice I can conjure that, "even though I was killing him, ruining his life and acting just as stupid and hateful as my son, he still loved me."
The hope I see? I'm hopeful that if I ever pull this kind of manipulative behavior my son can spot it for what it is and call me on it.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
It sounds to me like your son recognizes his own self-worth and is willing to stand up for it. That speaks volumes about him, and about you as a parent.
Good job.
L
Good job.
L
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Arizona
Posts: 318
i didn't get a chance to send another reply last night, we had a big storm and the electric went out. But it sounds like you got great advice, so I really don't have much else to add, except that you are not an ungrateful child or a failure for no longer wanting to put up with your dad's abusive behavior.
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Join Date: Aug 2006
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Posts: 231
[B] Thanks for the validation. As I said, I was late to discover that my parents were alcoholics or that their and my "ism" was the primary reason I had been in therapy for years. Twelve years of therapy with 3 different Dr's, you'd think alcohol would have come up, at least once. It never did, not until I was 35 years old, with a child of my own.
It was only after I had my own child that I could see that my childhood had not been idyllic. Unlike many of us who plan to parent differently from their parents, I planned to do it exactly the same way (well without the abject terror, but I had never even known the mind games existed, could not recognize passive aggressive behaior in anyone, including myself) Then after he was born, I could see my parents doing the same things to him they had done to me. i.e. "You don't hate grandaddy. You love grandaddy. Grandaddy loves you. He works hard so you can have nice things. You love grandaddy. or What am I going to do when you go to school? You're the only reason I'm ever happy. I'll be sad all the time now."
And it all became much clearer, my leaving home at 18, the multiple marriages, the struggles to get along with co workers, the perfectionism, the anxiety.......
I learned my mother was a closet alcoholic, I learned not only about ACoA and it's effects but that I was one, I discovered my own alcoholism and was diagnosed as a.d.d., all of it between the time my child was 2 and 5. I feel like I've been playing catchup ever since.
I felt like I had to do everything I could to save us both. At the same time, I'm still bad about second guessing myself. Big surprise. The event that I talked about above? When it all hit the fan, I tried to explain to my Dad that it was actually a sign of how much my son cared that he was willing to share how he felt and to work towards a closer relationship. My Dad's response was to again squall (sorry, it's the only word that describes it) at me that, "I had a *** **** sorry excuse for a son, if he couldn't get along with people any better than that. That he was going to be one miserable *** of a ****** out there in life if he didn't know how to take a joke. I hate it about myself, but that set me back. For a minute, I believed him and not myself. I didn't respond. I just got up and as calmly as I was able told him, "I'll see you later, maybe." I've never "disrespected" my father that way before. This was just all so much simplier when I was miles away. I guess I'm putting into use the things I've learned but in truth I've only practiced them in my head and it all feels foreign. /B]
It was only after I had my own child that I could see that my childhood had not been idyllic. Unlike many of us who plan to parent differently from their parents, I planned to do it exactly the same way (well without the abject terror, but I had never even known the mind games existed, could not recognize passive aggressive behaior in anyone, including myself) Then after he was born, I could see my parents doing the same things to him they had done to me. i.e. "You don't hate grandaddy. You love grandaddy. Grandaddy loves you. He works hard so you can have nice things. You love grandaddy. or What am I going to do when you go to school? You're the only reason I'm ever happy. I'll be sad all the time now."
And it all became much clearer, my leaving home at 18, the multiple marriages, the struggles to get along with co workers, the perfectionism, the anxiety.......
I learned my mother was a closet alcoholic, I learned not only about ACoA and it's effects but that I was one, I discovered my own alcoholism and was diagnosed as a.d.d., all of it between the time my child was 2 and 5. I feel like I've been playing catchup ever since.
I felt like I had to do everything I could to save us both. At the same time, I'm still bad about second guessing myself. Big surprise. The event that I talked about above? When it all hit the fan, I tried to explain to my Dad that it was actually a sign of how much my son cared that he was willing to share how he felt and to work towards a closer relationship. My Dad's response was to again squall (sorry, it's the only word that describes it) at me that, "I had a *** **** sorry excuse for a son, if he couldn't get along with people any better than that. That he was going to be one miserable *** of a ****** out there in life if he didn't know how to take a joke. I hate it about myself, but that set me back. For a minute, I believed him and not myself. I didn't respond. I just got up and as calmly as I was able told him, "I'll see you later, maybe." I've never "disrespected" my father that way before. This was just all so much simplier when I was miles away. I guess I'm putting into use the things I've learned but in truth I've only practiced them in my head and it all feels foreign. /B]
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Arizona
Posts: 318
I'll see you later, maybe." I've never "disrespected" my father that way before.
I don't think that is being disrespectful at all! That you is setting a limit as to what you will and won't tolerate. Who wants to listen to someone yelling, cursing and talking badly about your child?? I sure wouldn't.
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Canada
Posts: 689
Originally Posted by Easeful
"I had a *** **** sorry excuse for a son, if he couldn't get along with people any better than that. That he was going to be one miserable *** of a ****** out there in life if he didn't know how to take a joke.
These words are abusive. Plain and simple.
I am in the midst myself of learning to identify abuse in my adult life and take better care of myself. I don't think there is anything to feel guilty about in removing yourself from this kind of emotionally abusive treatment. But, of course I understand as adult children, it's so easy to take on that guilt. Perhaps once you follow through on your decision for no-contact, like Mike says, the guilties will fade.
best
gf
Day by day....
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: NW GA
Posts: 357
Easful your father and mine could be long lost brothers. Not really trying to be humorous its just that sometimes it is hard to fathom that there are more fathers like this out in the world. I know it logically - but sometimes you feel so alone in it all.
By the way, I too am an only child. Can do nothing right and neither can my kids. Everything I do - he recommends the opposite. Maybe I will share alot more some time but tonite I just dont feel like it. I am exhausted - mentally, physically and spiritually worn out. Just wanted you to know that you have hit right on a sore spot that feels incredibly familiar. I've been wrestling with the no contact idea for some time too...it is a tough decision to make and an even tougher one to stay with. Atleast it has been for me.
Keep posting...please.
By the way, I too am an only child. Can do nothing right and neither can my kids. Everything I do - he recommends the opposite. Maybe I will share alot more some time but tonite I just dont feel like it. I am exhausted - mentally, physically and spiritually worn out. Just wanted you to know that you have hit right on a sore spot that feels incredibly familiar. I've been wrestling with the no contact idea for some time too...it is a tough decision to make and an even tougher one to stay with. Atleast it has been for me.
Keep posting...please.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
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Posts: 231
Originally Posted by BeginAgain
I've been wrestling with the no contact idea for some time too...it is a tough decision to make and an even tougher one to stay with. Atleast it has been for me.
Keep posting...please.
Keep posting...please.
It is my recent move back close to his home and my son's attempt at a relationship that has blurred the boundaries. And I could go back to the way it was before, to any one of the stages that have worked in the past. But what would be the point of all the effort that involves? The truth is I do not have a relationship with the man, I do not love him and the only respect I have of him is almost completely based on his life long ability to terrorize me. I just don't want to put any more effort into it.
ps. This posting on this board and everyone's comments has really helped me "inventory" what has gone on in my head and around me in the last couple of months. I can see my part much more clearly than I could even this time last night. Thanks to all.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
My daughter was almost 2 before my parents seen her for the first time.
I can't remeber one time I ever let any of the children stay with them. I was always with them when we would visit. They cross a line, my visits would stop.
They both stopped drinking and improved their behavior but not enough that I would allow the children to stay. (oldest was 10 at the time)
Your son is old enough that if he wants to visit, he could do so and make his own choices. I think the behaviors will guide his choices.
We need set and hold our boundaries. Boundaries are not a selfish action, they are a living action. No guilt needs be used for such things.
From what you write...You are doing well and correct. Keep doing what you need do for you and your family. Dad will make his own choices.
I can't remeber one time I ever let any of the children stay with them. I was always with them when we would visit. They cross a line, my visits would stop.
They both stopped drinking and improved their behavior but not enough that I would allow the children to stay. (oldest was 10 at the time)
Your son is old enough that if he wants to visit, he could do so and make his own choices. I think the behaviors will guide his choices.
We need set and hold our boundaries. Boundaries are not a selfish action, they are a living action. No guilt needs be used for such things.
From what you write...You are doing well and correct. Keep doing what you need do for you and your family. Dad will make his own choices.
Day by day....
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: NW GA
Posts: 357
Hi again and thanks very much for this thread. It is truly making me think and certainly making me feel much less "unique" and alone. I have made great strides the last 6 months or so through support from my therapist and other friends and family. While I can't claim zero contact - it had reached a point where I barely spoke with him at all, avoided calls, didn't visit, etc... I had probably seen him once and had spoken on the phone once or twice briefly in 6 months. But about 3 weeks ago my father got very sick - well he has been sick with serious heart trouble for years. But, he had a crisis and is at a point where his health and the stregnth of his heart muscle has deteriorated so much he is weak and unstable. Have been talking about it in another thread some because my frustration level was reaching fever pitch and I needed a vent.
Being the only child and since he has alienated almost every friend or other family member - I am the one who got the call from the doctor when he was rushed to the ICU. Since then life has felt like a psycho yo-yo. I'll spare you all the details for now but it has been real difficult to come to terms with how I feel. As horrible and terrible as this sounds I have actually had those "enough already" thoughts wondering to myself how long this can go on. I guess I do love my father but I do not like him at all and I see how sick I can get if allowed to be sucked into his web.
For example some time ago he deeded some property (that was originally purchased for me when I was getting married at age 20) over but made certain to put it into my name and my sons name with stipulations that it cannot be touched until my son turns 18. Has since tried to get me to agree to revise the deed agreement to include my daughter who is 6 years old and of course tie everything up for 12 more years. It's not about the property or money or anything like that - it is 100% control and you can bet that since we are not under his roof he will try to find some way - any way - to keep me tied to him and under his thumb in some way. He tells my children really inappropriate things about me and my life and my past mistakes. Things he has zero business sharing with a child. It really infuriates me and it hurts. A few years ago I stopped letting the children see him without mine or my husbands direct supervision. Like you mentioned - he will not act this way around others and I am painted to be the bad guy, the disrespectful ungrateful daughter because I try to stay away and disengage. I mean really - how could I keep his grand children from him. Had a neighbor ask that a couple of years ago.
My therapist finally gave me a definition for this behavior. I always wondered and thought it must be some kind of disorder but did not know what. Then I read the description for Borderline Personality Disorder with Narcissistic tendencies. Bingo....fits him absolutely to the letter.
Anyway - enough for now I suppose..just so glad that you posted. I enjoy reading about your progress (all of you) and I learn from your experience. You have inspired me to keep working on myself and reminded me that it is okay to share some of this and to take care of myself. Thank you.
Being the only child and since he has alienated almost every friend or other family member - I am the one who got the call from the doctor when he was rushed to the ICU. Since then life has felt like a psycho yo-yo. I'll spare you all the details for now but it has been real difficult to come to terms with how I feel. As horrible and terrible as this sounds I have actually had those "enough already" thoughts wondering to myself how long this can go on. I guess I do love my father but I do not like him at all and I see how sick I can get if allowed to be sucked into his web.
For example some time ago he deeded some property (that was originally purchased for me when I was getting married at age 20) over but made certain to put it into my name and my sons name with stipulations that it cannot be touched until my son turns 18. Has since tried to get me to agree to revise the deed agreement to include my daughter who is 6 years old and of course tie everything up for 12 more years. It's not about the property or money or anything like that - it is 100% control and you can bet that since we are not under his roof he will try to find some way - any way - to keep me tied to him and under his thumb in some way. He tells my children really inappropriate things about me and my life and my past mistakes. Things he has zero business sharing with a child. It really infuriates me and it hurts. A few years ago I stopped letting the children see him without mine or my husbands direct supervision. Like you mentioned - he will not act this way around others and I am painted to be the bad guy, the disrespectful ungrateful daughter because I try to stay away and disengage. I mean really - how could I keep his grand children from him. Had a neighbor ask that a couple of years ago.
My therapist finally gave me a definition for this behavior. I always wondered and thought it must be some kind of disorder but did not know what. Then I read the description for Borderline Personality Disorder with Narcissistic tendencies. Bingo....fits him absolutely to the letter.
Anyway - enough for now I suppose..just so glad that you posted. I enjoy reading about your progress (all of you) and I learn from your experience. You have inspired me to keep working on myself and reminded me that it is okay to share some of this and to take care of myself. Thank you.
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Originally Posted by BeginAgain
My therapist finally gave me a definition for this behavior. I always wondered and thought it must be some kind of disorder but did not know what. Then I read the description for Borderline Personality Disorder with Narcissistic tendencies. Bingo....fits him absolutely to the letter.
Another book that was very helpful for me was "Toxic Parents." lol I read that one as I made my escape to Houston. The stewardess sat beside me for most of the flight after she saw what I was reading. We are never alone.
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Join Date: Aug 2006
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Posts: 231
Originally Posted by BeginAgain
But about 3 weeks ago my father got very sick - well he has been sick with serious heart trouble for years. But, he had a crisis and is at a point where his health and the stregnth of his heart muscle has deteriorated so much he is weak and unstable. Have been talking about it in another thread some because my frustration level was reaching fever pitch and I needed a vent.
BIG BUT here, when I finally did hit on a therapist who could see what was going on, one of the first things she told me as I began to detach from my very toxic parents was, "When one member of a dysfunctional relationship begins to get better the other members involved will escalate their behavior until they drag the offender back into line. Have you thought about what you're going to do when one of your parents ends up in the hospital? 'Cause it's coming." Sure enough, she was right. I had planned ahead as to what I would do and when the time came, just three short weeks later I held my boundary. It was almost beyond my endurance, so God in his wisdom sent an ice storm and the flu to keep me home. I did communicate by phone with the Dr. & staff. That's when I got disinherited.
Here I am, years later waiting for the next call from the hospital. 'Cause it's coming.
Day by day....
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: NW GA
Posts: 357
Trapped in the Mirror is the first book my therapist gave me to read the very first day we met. And - she said exactly the same thing to me about one member of the family getting better and the other escalating their behavior in one of our recent sessions.
You are right... we are never alone.
You are right... we are never alone.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
I'm coming in late on the conversation, but Easeful, based on what you described your son's reaction to the situation to be? Yeah, you did one fine job of raising a pretty danged healthy son! Good for you, and good for him! You taught him to set boundaries. That is an AMAZING accomplishment for anyone, especially for someone who came from an ACoA background!
Having alcoholic parents and also having had alcoholic/addictive intimate relationships, I found it MUCH more difficult to use my skills with my parents than I did with other relationships. Most of us still want a 'mommy' or 'daddy', not just a mother and father. A little girl inside me still wants a mommy and daddy, the best I can do is comfort that little girl and tell her *I'm* here for her.
Mostly I just wanted to let you know that I think you did a tremendous job with your son! It's so easy to stay in those old 'family heirloom' behavior patterns (you know, where you just keep passing along the same defective behaviors from one generation to the next - I know at least 5 generations back my family was behaving the same way). You managed to throw that heirloom away, and that is absolutely awesome!
And I do "know a lot of it." I've just never used it directly with my Dad and it's hard.
Mostly I just wanted to let you know that I think you did a tremendous job with your son! It's so easy to stay in those old 'family heirloom' behavior patterns (you know, where you just keep passing along the same defective behaviors from one generation to the next - I know at least 5 generations back my family was behaving the same way). You managed to throw that heirloom away, and that is absolutely awesome!
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