What do you believe caused your substance abuse behavior?
I was a teenager in San Francisco in the 60's. I took drugs because I could. They were everywhere and I wanted to be included in that movement. My current spiritual beliefs were founded during my first few LSD experiences... I will never regret those experiences. They were'nt lies. They still sustain me today without the drug. However then came along the 1980's and I got nabbed by cocaine (and alcoholic husband) and then switched seats on The Titanic by using booze and crank.
Where do you believe the power comes from to change?
The power for my change came from facing death and insanity head on. Anything was better than where I found myself both emotionally and physically. I found the power to change by exhausting my addiction. I didn't know what I wanted, I only knew that I didn't want to be where I was.
What is the source of motivation to change, what sustains it, and what do you rely on when you have doubts or ambivalence?
My motivation to change came not only from being close to death but also from the fact that booze/drugs no longer worked. I didn't get high anymore. I only existed. I was no longer drinking the booze, the booze was drinking me. I wanted the demons off my back. Even in the depths of my various addictions I never thought of myself as a selfish person... I knew I was a victim but I couldn't see how selfish prolonging and projecting that image of myself was. Because a fellow drunk took the time out of her busy life to help me examine my behavior (12 Steps) I discovered that in the past I had made some terrible choices for myself. Those choices got me where I was. I didn't have a clue WHO I was for quite some time but as the chemical fog lifted I began to realize myself once again. I don't have many doubts or ambivalences about my recovery. In the AA program I took only what I wanted and left the rest.
The miracle of my recovery is that I am now aware of my selfishness and dishonestly and my only concern for the rest of my life is to NEVER be an azzhole again. Not being an azzhole just means I think of other people beside myself. A simple concept but one I would've never thought about when I was in the depths of the chithole victimization pity pot I once called my life with booze.