Hi Kelly,
I found myself in the exact same place you are in when I met my first REAL boyfriend (you know, you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your prince!!) and I felt myself both drawn to him and like I had to keep some kind of distance. To the point where I would do things to make him reject me- but he didn't. And every time I did my little "test" (I did not know what I was doing then, but I do now) and he stayed and treated me well and loved me more than ever, I started to realize that THIS is what love was. Slowly, I realized that what I had gotten from my parents, both As, was not what I should be searching for. I did not have to beg for attention. I was allowed to say what I felt. I would not be punished for being who I was. We learn from our parents what relationships should be. Sometimes they don't teach us the right thing, be it because of their addiction, or perhaps what they were taught. It has taken me many years to allow myself to be vulnerable again- and it is scary, but I am rewarded over and over again by a great relationship with a great man. We have been together for 18 years, married for 12. I hope this helps you, at least that you are not alone. Take good care