Originally Posted by helluvagalnva
I think I use to be love addicted now I'm love avoidant. I think I want my marriage out of duty rather than love because I really don't think I'm in love with him anymore. Isn't it a good sign when you cringe at the touch of him? Yesterday I told my "a" that I'm not in love with him anymore. I told him that if he ever needed me that I would be there for him but what we had is over, that he killed the love I had for him. Maybe if he had decided a year ago that I was want he wanted then it may have turned out differently. I just feel that I've changed and grown and he has stayed the same.
He called back several hours later very depressed. ...After listening to that I feel so guilty and so sorry for him and that's what pulls me back in. After I make a decision I have a hard time sticking to it because I feel like i should be with him not because of love but out of duty. How can I break this habit?
Why do i feel so guilty? He says that I don't try hard enough that if I wanted it and tried that I could love him again and we could live happily ever after. Is he now living in the fantasy? His parents don't like me anymore and think this is all my fault so I feel guilty and bad for that too.
How can I break free of all of this?
Please help me! I'm going crazy and a million things are zooming thru my brain at warp speed.
Hi Galva,
Your post intrigued me, because it sounds so much like my life. I got married (TWICE) out of really sick (addictive) reasons...duty, obligation, guilt (for having sex pre-wedlock, and so one).
I thought I really loved the first H, but now I know that I didn't. I knew that I didn't love the 2nd, but went ahead with it anyway, because I was so full of self-loathing, that I figured I'd had sex (yes, I was raised with that 1850s mentality), was pregnant, getting divorced, and who else would have me?
I thought I'd met my soul mate (a recovering alcoholic/addict) years ago, but he didn't want me, so I had myself convinced (and still am, pretty much) that there is no such thing as a soul mate for me.
I feel, as you do, that I have grown and my 2nd H has not. I too feel like he had many years to try to make something of our marriage, but chose instead to use my openness as ammunition one time too many...I no longer have any feelings towards him, except rage (which I know I need to work on, for my children's sake).
The only advice I can offer is: Love yourself first. Take the oxygen. Realize how whole, beautiful, and precious you are to this world/God/whatever with or without him or any other person in your life.
He sucked you right into his game, and being a good li'l codie, you fell for it (I'm speaking from experience)
One way I know that (for me) I'm in an addictive relationship, is when I ask myself, "Do I really want this person in my life?" and the answer is NO, but I still keep that person in my life, because I just couldn't bear to hurt their poor little old feelings. I've had some really addictive platonic hetersexual relationships with abusive user women...not just men.
Melodie Beatty has a lot of good stuff on codependence, including the books "Codependent No More" and "Beyond Codependence." I especially like her book "Finding your Way Home: a Soul Survival Kit." It's a bit "out there", but I guess so am I!!
Dr. Irene has a site on verbal abuse and other relationship issues, including codependence, where she offers a list of traits of Infatuation vs. Love. Melody Beattie reminded me, though, that initially, falling in love does seem a lot like codependence/infatuation. I also like Robert Burney, at
www.joy2meu.com. He's quite a free spirit, but I like it (my inner hippie).
Something I've recently learned for myself is the difference for me) between being in love vs. love, is feeling helpless (that "Hopelessly devoted to you---" feeling) vs. making the choice to be loving towards someone else. I don't know...it's not a fully developed theory yet.
I've got a Lo-o-ong way to go!! But, I'm taking a step, in at least one direction...and that counts for something.