Hi Yingyang
I just wanted to welcome you too...
I know exactly where you are right now... I remember those feelings so well - and STILL feel them!
My husband is an Alcoholic and an Addict and went treatment last summer. While he was away, I enjoyed my freedom. I began to see what a mess I had put myself in trying to deal with his disease.
And the hardest part was the fact that I was still so ANGRY with him! HE was the reason we were broke! HE was the SHAME attached to our name! HE was the one who broke promises to me and the kids! - And now, because he was in treatment, all was forgiven?! OOHHHHHHH... I was not willing to give up that anger. Although, I never knew exactly what I wanted in return... as compensation... but I wanted something.
I had been attenting Alanon meetings for a while, and was trying to begin a recovery for about 6 months at this point. I was there physically... but I wasn't ready to SURRENDER to it. And for the program to work... we have to give ourselves to it.
And now, I get it.
My A had relapsed many times after treatment... and there was a point in which I hit a bottom. He left one Friday and didn't return until Monday. He had spent over $5000 on drugs and booze, got his truck impounded and didn't show up for work (we are self-employed). I had had enuf. I told him to not come home... I wasn't going to live with an active addict any longer.
He has been sober just over a month now
And ME?
I just began to understood that HE doesn't make me happy... or sad, or angry, or hurt... I am in control of my own emotions! If he uses, he cannot live here plain and simple... And I'll still be OK no matter what.
And it's amazing what has happened in our relationship since I had this "awakening". I no longer react to his behaviors, or hide my feelings to not upset him. I just feel and do whatever I want... even if HE reacts to me. He goes to his meetings; I go to mine. We work our OWN programs, yet are still able to talk openly about them with each other. And we actually have a friendship again! Weird... I guess when you spend all this time OBSESSING, you lose sight of the simple things that brought u to each other in the first place.
Anyway...
I just want you to know that so many of us have had the struggles u are having right now. Try to get to a meeting, begin your OWN program. I know you'll "get it" too
Take care
Meg