Lyn,
Discovering my part in the problem what the most painfully emotional thing I have ever gone through. We believe if only they would get sober all would be well with the world. Not true.
We have developed tools for living that are a bit skewed...either in childhood or after living with addition as an adult. The most amazing thing for me was when I began to recognize and change some of those behaviors things began to change around me. My son and husband still drink but our way of relating began to change almost immediately when I began to change myself. That was the clincher for me that this program works.
The important thing to remember is not beat yourself up. The stategies we learned were survival responses that no longer work for us. It is that hard and that simple.
Hugs and welcome,
JT