Stephanie

This is very interesting because I show this kind of behavior in other ways. For example it took me forever to feel comfortable calling a sponsor because I always feel like a burden. I don't want to bother anyone. I realize that sometimes I sound so pathetic with people like excuse me I hope I'm not bothering you is it ok if I ask you something, I'll be really quick. I wouldn't ask if it wasn't really important. If you're busy I totally understand....blah blah

Over the last yr really, probably since alanon stuff I try not to do that anymore. Not because I don't still feel that way a lot of times. You know, not worthy of someones time but I've learned that even though I'm working on myself and I've done a lot of healing, I'm in AA, I have good friends and you guys.....there's still a lot of really sick people in the world and I have always made myself a perfect target with my not good enough bull sh.. Because I'm used to being the scapegoat it seems to be tatooed on my forehead and my behavior screams for you to take advantage. I don't like it, I never liked it but now I'm starting not to accept it. It's very hard because even though I have begun to stand up for myself a lot more I'm still scared to death when I do it.

I think I'm very much like my mother in one way. She 's very strong in a lot of ways, intellectually, in her career etc. Me too, I mean just try to get one past me in a store or something and I am all over it. i got a jogging stroller for free because I called corporate headquarters when I found out the model I bought was discontinued and the guy in the store told me it was the new more improved model. But anything having to do with personal emotions and I'm full of self doubt. See here even now, just like phoenix says. I'm thinking to myself do I want people to know I feel full of self doubt in certain situations because if they know that then they will hurt me some how.