Thread: Pandora's Box
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Old 05-13-2003, 12:30 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Morning Glory
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That's the key Dop. We experienced it as children and little people's fear and emotions are huge. All the emotions I had when going through my flashbacks were terror. When I remembered what caused the emotion I would be amazed that I could feel that much fear over some insignificant event. That was the adult me talking. The emotion came from the child me.

We also need to remember that the alcoholism and all the behaviors that went along with them were the family secret. The family insisted that everything was normal so we learned that this was all normal. To tell the family secret was to be disloyal, which brought on the guilt. You don't talk about it you just act normal and fit in.

When I first started addressing these issues I thought I was horrible for feeling the way I did. I had the rest of my family ganging up on me and calling me crazy and I became the outcast for telling the secret.

I've been fairly stable for about 10 years now and have addressed most of the childhood issues. I've noticed now that my sisters and brother are just now starting to face it. They are so embarrassed that I'm stable and they are walking on thin ice. I'm supposed to stay in the black sheep mode. They are starting to understand now. They are 50ish and just beginning there journey. That's really sad.

You can remain loyal and tell the secret. I love my parents and my family. I had to tell the secret and face it. I don't blame them because they were caught in the secret too. I felt so guilty at first, but the good thing for me is I didn't keep my feelings a secret from anyone. I've told them all how I feel and found closure with all of them. I've had to construct boundaries to keep myself from any further abuse. I keep my distance. They still don't know they are abusive.

I grew up thinking everything was normal as bad as it was. If everything was normal then it had to be me that was abnormal. I walked around for years wondering what was wrong with me.

Hugs,
MG