How ironic, when I bought my lap top, which was right before I found this site, I named it Pandora's Box. Not really for any reason, just cause I thought it was clever. It almost kind of applies now, huh?
When I first started a lot of this work Dop, I felt just like you. I didn't have any real trauma due to my parents. Not compared to most people I've read a about here. However, I do relate to people based on how they related to me and my emotional reactions to them, at the time. I was told that if I am having trouble relating in a relationship than the relationship with my parents is the one i need to look at. It is not necessarily because it was abusive or volatile, but because they didn't have a course on how to talk to your kids 101 and they had their own issues they were dealing with. They coped the only way they knew how. My mother coped by critisizing me and telling me to get the hell away from her most of the time. She wasn't happy for most of my childhood and took it out on me. That could be pretty damaging to a kids self esteem. I didn't understand then that I wasn't the cause of her unhappiness. Unless I uncovered a lot of that stuff I think I would still feel like if I didn't have drugs and alcohol I wouldn't be worth much.
At first I felt a lot like you Dop. My mom had issues but she was there. She had dinner on the table every night. She drove me places, clothed me, and always gave me these kick a$$ b-day parties. So I felt guilty too but I learned that I am not blaming my parents I am looking back at our relating so I can get to the bottom of some of the issues I have that are blocking me to real happiness, growth, and intimacy. What I found out was that I needed to do the work to identify what happened, understand that my parents did the best they could with what they had, and forgive them for being human and not having all the answers.
The key for me was that once I forgave my parents, I let go of a lot of anamosity toward them and toward myself and gained the confidence to move forward with life and love.
However be prepared, I may have had a lot of emotional and verbal abuse to look at where my mom is concerned but I idealized my dad and always thought he was perfect. I still do to some extent. The hardest part of my adult child work was learning and facing my fathers part in all of this. I hadn't realized he ever played one.
Last edited by JT; 05-12-2003 at 08:40 AM.