Dop,
I am going to try to spell a big word so bare with me. Ambiguous...is that right?? That is how I feel. I feel like pulling a blanket over my head between peeks but guess what...I got this ball rolling and what would I be if I didn't give it a shove occasionally to keep it going.
I also feel like perhaps I am going to a place I have no business going. I have a fear of spook houses...even as an adult. Something wet and cool touching me in the dark makes my stomach knot up even thinking about it.
What I have shared here is no secret. I have shared bits and pieces on the boards and privately but maybe not all in the same paragraph. It sounds worse when it is all written down at once. The thing that keeps me from feeling like I am violating my mother is that I know some of what makes her the way she is. She did not live in an ivory tower...she had it much rougher than me. Her's was in her face...so maybe that explains her shielding us so thoroughly. Are there degrees of disfunction??
We have worked hard to eliminate the obvious flaws...I haven't thrown a dish or kicked a door down in years. It is the more subtle things that are in my way now.
Have you looked at that site? I peek for a bit and then go under the covers.
Hugs,
JT