Tombplant

I’ve been with him for over 2 years. He is suggested borderline BPD from a psychiatrist so
our relationship has had a lot of turmoil. He has broken up with, and blocked me more times than I can think and always came back with episodes ranging from a day to a month, however, this time the circumstances are different.

For background he has an addiction to IV Crystal meth, fentanyl and heroin. When we first met he was 5 years clean (2022 was 7 years clean) and I knew nothing about addiction. His behaviours from manipulation, lying, pushing me away, lashing out had always made me feel he was cheating but now I know it was driven by addiction. He also had intimacy issues and watched porn so it made me more insecure.

in the summer he had a one day relapse, and got right back on recovery. He knew he had mental illness and was wanting to get better for himself and us. In December he relapsed on alcohol, took my car without permission and totalled it, then went on a drug binge for a week and stayed on the streets. Police were involved to find him and they did. He was taken to the hospital and then I brought him to detox. I didn’t even know what detox was until then. He called me from detox daily, realizing all this love he had for me, that he has something to fight for now that he didn’t before, all of the right things. He replaced my car, and was unable to walk because of “street feet” so when he got out of detox he stayed with me for a week recovering. The treatment centres had longer wait times which I didn’t think was good but thought it was best we stayed together. Then one day when I was at work he took a cab and left. Then just like that the same night I could tell he was using again. He went on another one week Iv drug binge and was back on the streets. He had lost two phones at this point, two wallets. He had his vehicle stolen from other people he met on the streets (he has a home, a business, this was not his life). The agony of knowing he was out there and he called once every two days. I was so hurt from before and how could he do this so easily?

he told me he would not abandon me going into treatment (he’s been to treatment a couple times before) and he’s so grateful I would wait for him. After he called me Friday evening from a random phone I picked him up off the streets and took him to detox. He could barely walk again and then I had to pick him up from detox and bring him to the emergency hospital. Yesterday he had surgery to remove an infection caused by the drug use and when I called to see how he was doing and told him I care about him and I want to be with him (he has always needed a lot of reassurance), I asked if he felt the same way and he said he would be lying if he told me he could commit to me, he doesn’t know what he will feel for me after treatment, our relationship made him unhappy and it led him to relapse. All of these horrible things pretty much making me feel so messy and depressed like why did I do all of this just to really get disposed of again at the end of the day? Then I was upset and he said again “do you want me to lie? I haven’t been happy and I don’t know how I will feel”. I said how can you not know that you might not love me anymore in a couple weeks? I didn’t understand. He got frustrated and hung up on me. I was going to visit him in the hospital but I can’t now.

i am so broken. The same person who’s left me in the past, I put him first and went through so much trauma now. I know my shortcoming was asking him throughout these episodes if he was cheating but he never changed his behaviour and was so hard to trust. Is this all my fault? I feel like I am losing my actual mind. I have no support and have to pretend everything is ok at work and in my life, when I am deteriorating.