Thanks for the kind words, everyone. It was a pretty contemplative day, which I didn't expect. I guess I should have seen that coming. At any rate, I'm here, there are things I need to do to make my life more of what I want it to be, but at least now I have a fighting chance. I watched my dad be forced into things I know he didn't want, but he was a passive guy who didn't make waves, just sat in that chair every night, drinking vodka on the rocks. He was never mean, never raised a hand to me, he was funny and kind. He loved me, he loved my mom. They were separated and I was only a kid but I sort of knew he didn't get over that. They never divorced. He eventually was transferred far away- away from everyone he knew- and he went. I will never know why he went instead of finding another job- that wasn't information for a little kid. I was crushed. He was my whole world and he went so far away I only saw him in the summer, a kid sitting in an empty condo while he worked during the day. I actually don't even remember much of it. It was miserable, I remember that. At least I got to leave- he stayed there- and died alone one night. Just didn't get to bed that night- died right in his chair, leaving that as my legacy, or so I thought. At 16, I thought my world ended, but it went on, and so did I. I was accepted to college 2 weeks after he passed- he didn't even get to know that. It bothers me how little I remember of him now. My memory has never been good- I have trouble recalling details of things from my childhood and young adulthood- don't know why. I know why I don't remember my forties and early fifties! Little things have been coming back since I stopped drinking, but it's not much.
I'm rambling, as I often do here on SR when I'm trying to process my feelings. I'm fortunate to have this place where I can do that, and everyone is so patient, kind and supportive. Thank you all so much.