ToughChoices

You are in a difficult position. It is hard to take care of yourself AND all of the family responsibilities. It is hard to be strong for your children and to face uncertainty in your relationship. You are making great choices by attending Al-Anon and posting here. Truly, all that you can control is your own path, your own reaction to the information that is presented to you.

In my early 20's I was married to a lovely man who suffered from alcoholism. That relationship brought me to this site! He entered rehab when our son was only 2, and it was a time of great fear and longing and anger for me. I wanted SO MUCH for him to get/be better, but I was also VERY (quietly) resentful about the amount of work that I believed was being forced upon me due to his choices. And I was terrified of what his "recovery" would look like in terms of our relationship.

Some of my questions:
Why did I have to go to meetings because of his drinking problem???!!!
Why did I have to start therapy to deal with my anxiety about his choices???!!!
Why did I have to sit around waiting to see when/if he would get better???!!!
Why did I have to give up my dreams for a stable, healthy family life???!!!
Why wouldn't he just BEHAVE???!!!
Why wouldn't he choose me???!!!

It all seemed so unfair. Looking back, I was very selfish and very uninformed about alcoholism. I'm not saying that you are either of these things, but few people come into the world with an inherently sacrificial heart and an innate understanding of addiction. Those are HARD-earned rewards.

It is normal to be concerned about yourself, and it is healthy for your wife to be concerned about herself. Best case scenario is that you will both work a program of self-discovery, acceptance, and peace as she changes, grows, and flourishes in sobriety. You will both LIVE!!!

My husband completed a 30-day rehab program and began drinking again within about 10 days. We divorced. He continued to struggle with his disease until he died from it (age 42). It took me a VERY long time to empathize with his plight and forgive him. It actually took me, personally, struggling with my own addiction.

My women's AA group (in my tiny Kansas town) has 10 regular attendees who are blossoming in sobriety and (generally) quite happy in our marriages. Many attended rehab to kickstart their recovery and NEVER LOOKED BACK. 25 years of continuous sobriety, 18, 12, 9, 5, 2 years. 11 months, 9, 6, 2 months. I am married to a fabulous partner for whom I am DAILY grateful. I'm a present and joyful mom.

Addiction goes both ways. We DO recover, but no one else is in charge of it. Even if we really love them.

Sometimes I wonder how my life would have advanced if I had invested in truly working the 12 Steps in Al-Anon (admitted I was powerless over others' choices) when my life revolved around my ex's drinking....but it's really only an interesting thought experiment. As much as I hurt in that relationship, I didn't hurt enough to CHANGE. I didn't hurt enough to let go of my addiction to control. So, my Higher Power taught me the lesson in a new way!

This time I learned it.

Take care of YOU. What do you want? Need? Dream of? What are you in control of? What is your faith in?

I'm thinking of you and your wife and your sweet family. Blessings.
-TC