Thanks, kes. I've missed you, too!
Turns out, people can only help me if I'm willing to ask for help. I didn't realize the extent to which I was white-knuckling this situation until the opportunity presented itself......and I jumped. My brain is tricky.
I didn't consciously want to be DRUNK. I told myself that I just wanted to relax for a minute, but DRUNK, apparently, is what my tricky brain DEMANDS if I open the door to alcohol just the tiniest bit.
This is helpful information for me to have. The "relaxation" that I have been longing for and romanticizing quietly for 9 months, is a complete illusion. It is not what God has in mind for me. There is truer, deeper, better, richer, more meaningful peace in my sober life. It is my job to seek that with my whole heart. I will.
Thanks for your support, friend!
-TC