ToughChoices

You are right, DriGuy. It requires commitment to that NEVER TODAY, no matter what. I did that reliably for a good while.

But all that it took for me to stumble was to allow my AV to suggest, so subtly, that alcohol wasn't my drug of choice. I've been clean from prescription pain meds since February of this year. I knew alcohol should be avoided, but I did not pay it the respect that it deserves. Combine that with bad timing (my spouse was travelling which tends to cause some loneliness on my end), and my old, desperate frame of mind screamed for relief. I put myself in a perfect storm because I underestimated the sneakiness of my AV and the strength of my emotions.

So I hope that others can hear this and learn. There must be NO tolerance of the AV. Mine is sneaky and selfish and extremely short-sighted.

But I am resilient and dedicated and a blessed child of God. I will better organize my tools.

Alcohol is one of many poisons for me. I'll treat it the way those with celiac's disease treat gluten, the way that those with peanut allergies treat Reese's cups. I will not consume poison. Others may eat, drink, and enjoy, but that is not the path for me. It just is what it is.

Up early this am to run with my 10 year-old. We did an easy 2 mile loop in the cold air, and it was beautiful. Today I'm working on some painting projects, running errands, and looking forward to a choir concert and a Big Book study tonight. I'm praying that my husband will be able to overcome his fear and anger with me. I would love for my path in life to walk next to his, but I've hurt him by slipping. I'm trying to give him some space to feel. It's hard to pray "only for knowledge of God's will for me and the power to carry that out," when I want something so much. It's hard to let go of my will.