Sudden Massive Insecurity
Ill start with some background. Im 39 years old. I quit drinking 15 months ago as a physically addicted alcoholic for close to 20 years. I was mostly functional bc I stayed in the gym and have a physically active job but I hit the point where I was gonna either quit or drink myself to death. BP like 196/120, shaky all the time, no matter how hard I tried I could not make it a day without drinking 20+ beers. In short, the ride was over and I knew it. I quit cold turkey, rode out 5 days of withdrawal hell, and then began my journey with PAWS. It’s been horrible. Despite working out hard for 2+ hours a day, I still slip into periods of extreme rage, bottomless depression, and now extreme insecurity in my marriage.
My wife and I have a fantastic marriage. She’s incredibly supportive and she’s a drop dead knockout with a very outgoing personality. I trust her 100 percent. We have a mind blowing sex life, great mother, etc.
But she still drinks. Not a lot, mind you, and way less since I quit but she still likes to have a few beers watching football, going out with her friends, etc. I dont want to tell her to quit because I dont want to control her or have her resent me but now Im having these constant paranoid thoughts. “She knows how hard it is for me, why hasnt she quit to support me?” “Im not fun anymore so she has to find that with other people”. “This is destroying my marriage.”
etc
She recently went on a cruise with a bunch of her girlfriends for her 40th and it’s absolutely eaten at me knowing she was drinking more than usual, getting attention from other men, etc.
Again, I have no real reason to be concerned. She’s not ever going to do anything and I have zero doubts about my appeal to her and honestly to most other women too. As I said, I live in the gym.
But nothing seems to help me with any of this. It makes me resent her and cripples me with depression and feelings that Im now less than.
Anybody been through this? Just more PAWS? (Ive had it as bad or worse than most I think). Im going back to therapy as Ive been staying sober pretty much on my own.
I wish people had a true idea of how unimaginably hard this stuff is.