Having gone to AA and then deciding it wasn't for me (I was full of judgement and thought the people were grim, the rooms were grim and I never really attempted to fully understand the steps), I went back 16 months ago. I'm really glad I did, in particular for the step 4 moral inventory which gave me an extremely thorough understanding of how I tick and how my ego negatively influences my approach to situations and wellbeing in general - being able to spot it and forgive myself for what is ultimately a default setting was / is immensely freeing. I am much better able to now spot when I am being unreasonable, obstinate, arrogant, full of self pity etc. By reflecting on it and assigning those feelings to the innate self centred fear that we all feel as humans, I can forgive myself for those impulses and work to override them - which takes the form of getting out of self and not thinking about me, me me - that might be calling another alcoholic, helping someone or just generally trying to do my best to do the next right thing. I also think it was a very constructive exercise to accept help from those who, on first appearances I would have judged / almost sneared at in my head, but who had an immense amount to teach me about myself and life. A bit of humility never went astray and I needed a hell of a lot of humility and a large dose of ego deflation.
Doing the steps is a great process and can only lead to greater happiness. It doesn't have to be full on and if someone is telling you off / telling you what to do in the fellowship, then that's probably a red flag. Most good sponsors will gently and kindly guide you. I chose a sponsor who was not a dictatorial guy in any way as I didn't need a "my way or the highway person but more of a supportive and compassionate confidant. Over 6 or 7 sessions we must have spent north of 20 hours going through my step 5 - he knows everything about me now and how I approach life - when I get off course with my thinking and I start to catastrophise he always brings me back to earth and helps me get over myself and to snap out of it. It was such a privilege being given that time by someone who not only didn't resent doing it, but was happy to do it as helping me helped keep him sober. Even if I had paid someone for those 20+ hours I would never have had the degree of engagement I got from my sponsor and for that I feel truly privileged. It was an emotional experience and I have found a friend for life. And I have also found the basis for lasting peace. I just need to maintain my emotional and spiritual condition by keeping myself in check and doing my best / being honest etc. Sometimes it is hard keeping myself in check, but if I put a genuine effort in I will always get back to peace. Hope that helps
