Hello guys
Hi guys,
I wanted to say hello to everyone and introduce myself. My name is Brian and I'm based in London having grown up in Ireland. I'm 43 years old and was previously a semi regular contributor on the site as I was trying to get sober but have not posted since being banned for rude and aggressive behaviour towards moderators whilst drunk last Spring. I was unable to log in using my old log in and hope that I will be allowed to remain on the forum this time around.
Having unsuccessfully managed to go it alone for a number of years, I eventually said "enough is enough" on July 26 last year and went back to AA meetings - something I said I'd never do. I think my addiction was so strongly against returning because it was determined to keep me isolated, unhappy and most importantly, always coming back to the drink. I haven't drank since that day and am coming up to 16 months' sober. I was confident that one day there would be a "no more" moment but I just didn't know when or how it would come about as I had tried so many different approaches since abandoning AA back in 2018. I will say that several posters here were enormously helpful in pointing out very clearly that early last year I was in a spiritual rut and that a major and fundamental change was needed. As I began to attend more meetings I would hear again and again stuff like: "I realised that, for me, alcohol was the solution and not the problem - the problem was within me and it is that which needed urgent attention" etc. The penny really dropped in a way that it hadn't previously - I guess doing the "dry drunk" thing confirmed to me that merely removing alcohol from the equation was not sufficient to just magically solve all of my problems or keep me sober - I was unhappy and walking around with a large chip on my shoulder. What I needed was a real overhaul. I was able to learn through a thorough step 4 just how self centred my thinking was and how my tendency to make everything all about me led me mired in self pity and bitterness, believing that the world was against me - I was also incredibly arrogant and not prepared to listen to anyone because of course I always knew best! Addressing this and understanding just how damaging my over active ego could be to my self esteem was certainly a game changer for me. But I needed more than that; I needed the support of other alcoholics and the guidance of an amazing sponsor to allow me to see just how important human interaction and being part of a community is to my wellbeing. He wasn't a big God person but absolutely believed in the notion of a higher power and that wasn't a major stumbling block for me - I kept an open mind and figured that a spiritual awakening would happen slowly and surely over time if I remained willing to learn and keep my side of the street clean. He did, however, consume a lot of Buddhist literature and encouraged me to do the same - I must say I love all of that stuff, even if my commitment to meditation isn't what it needs to be to get as much benefit as I could from it. Nevertheless, I love the daily reflections he sends me daily which have a Buddhist angle to the steps. For me, I don't need to get hung up on the semantics and terminology and I often think the God stuff feels like a way of guiding us to be better people and treat our fellows with kindness, love and respect. That's a work in progress for me as I try daily to override very well entrenched cynical and combative traits - that feeling of being under siege. But I know that is a major key to happiness for me. In time, I may have firmer views on the impact of "God" in my life, that would be a nice development; in the meantime I will try to absorb as much wisdom as I can and see where that gets me.
I have been going through various phases emotionally in the last 16 months - very up and down. Pink clouds, lows, sometimes feeling on top of the world and other times feeling like my head is going to explode as I tried to grapple with issues at work, with "friends", with my parents and others that felt in my mind to be a thorn in my side. But it has levelled out. I haven't seriously considered taking a drink since last year so that magical sounding thing they always said about having the "obsession removed" definitely did happen. What a gift.
I wanted to come back on the site as I feel like my recovery has plateau'd a bit of late. I'm not attending as many meetings, not doing as many phone calls (I really got into that side of things to begin with) and lately I have just been feeling a little bit flat as we head into winter. I am not focusing my malaise on any one individual, just been feeling a bit "blah". I do a gratitude list daily, have done that religiously since the start and also say my prayers and recite the just for today card which I memorised. The sensible part of me thinks that life isn't perfect and that recovery isn't a straight line or a guarantee of eternal happiness - but another part thinks I can be doing more, absorbing wisdom from as many sources as possible on how to manage emotional sobriety and just interacting with other humans more. I do have a tendency to isolate and I really need to watch it or I will slip into old ways of thinking and feeling left behind and forgotten - so I want to have as many social outlets as possible, whether virtual or in-person. I do also think I should be doing more to help others and hopefully can do that on this site. I would love to sponsor someone and think I have something to offer on that score - but noone has asked me yet and I guess it will happen when it does - I have heard that focusing on others like that really takes recovery to the next level and I would like to experience that, even if the selfish part of me is concerned about getting lumbered with someone I don't like or can't get through to.
Anyway, that's me, I am sorry for my rude and belligerent behaviour in the past and hope that I will be allowed to stick around this time and contribute to the forum. I hope some of the old regulars are still here and doing well.