I've hit a new Stage
Throughout my alcoholism, I have noticed several stages. When I was young, I drank to excess without any major consequences. Then I was diagnosed with alcoholic cardio myopathy at age 35 and I quit drinking for 5 years. After starting back, I didn't really notice any difference until I got to the point that it was OK to drink when I first got up in the morning. Has been going down hill ever since. This has just recently hit another stage. I've been able to go a month or 2 without drinking without much grief. Then, after a month or 2, I would drink and after many long hangovers, I switched to no hard liquor thinking I had beat the game. It was great not waking up with hangovers. But now, I crave the drinking more than ever. Much more than I ever did before. Another stage I suppose. At my age, I have struggled with the big picture stuff. I am retired, my kids are all grown and successful, my life has been a success. What the hell. Why worry about anything. Just live out what's left of my life and be happy. That's what I thought until this latest stage. Living out the rest of my life will not be happy if I'm thinking about my next beer all day long. It dominates my retired days. I've thought that I could outsmart this whole thing for years, but I think that I may finally be to the point that I'm understanding that this is not happiness.