I honestly understand so so much. I went in my garden and just sat on the floor next to the shed and sobbed like a baby. Tears were falling fast and all I was thinking is I can't do this. I can't be without him. I need him. I miss him.
I know this won't be a miracle piece of advice but in my first session at therapy I felt exactly like you. They told me I was so used to the highs and lows. Up and down. Up and down. When he gave me the tiniest bit of positivity I was so relived and happy he was OK.. but then it came crashing down. Be honest with yourself how long did you ever stay on track and happy. We got to 3 weeks once without a bad patch and I felt like we had achieved something huge. But guess what. He was up to no good on his phone and talking to other women. That's the only reason he wasn't as snappy. He had his head elsewear.
anyways the therapist said your not used to your emotions staying on one level for long and so now he's gone your craving the drama.
The truth is your guy will return I expect. But what sort of life is this? Your sad. Your not able to enjoy being mum. Your not feeling safe and protected.
do you want to know something else aswel? I gave him Everything. All my savings..all my time. He didn't value me even though for 9 months in a row I paid for all his shopping!! He ate because of Me. He had electricity because of me. I wasn't even living with him.
Can I ask you?
Are there other women?
How does he treat you on your birthday?
does he put you down?
does he conpare you?
Look up trauma bonding and if you are interested go and look at ask anoushka and narc surviror on you tube. Go look an angue atkinson on you tube. Or narc con.
Those channels saved me. Your first step is learning you really really are not alone. There's a whole bunch of people out there going through this alongside you and can help you make sense of various different things going on here.
I was emotionally and mentally abused. Loads of corceive control. Financially abused. There was sexual stuff going on aswel. He put me in danger and he didn't care about me let alone my kids.
your guy may well have struggles and demons. But you are not on this earth to deal with his selfishness and he is selfish and nor taking respnisibilty for his lady or his children.
Trust me I know. For months and months i couldn't truly join in with people and say yes he's nothing but a selfish abuser. I still wanted to see the good in him. But truthfully none of it was good.
I wake up everyday now and I have adjusted. I like being on my own. I like having money for me and thre kids now. I like not dealing with his moods. I like being free and not having to figure out who's getting his attention or whether he's cheating.
I know your struggling but I can't stress to you how much getting educated on narcissom and addiction will help. Once you learn how similar they all are and how they never ever can truly change.
I'd rather be alone and if there's someone healthy minded out there i meet one day then great. But I'd never ever go back there now. 8 months on and hand on my heart I'll never go back and I'm finally free.