It's all the truth, O.
I do want to be fully present for my kids. I want to stay alive. This seesaw of addiction is a real nightmare. It's overwhelming to think about all of the repercussions.
I was reading through some old threads the other day and saw a post where you were talking about not connecting with your emotions, or not really knowing what people meant when they said I feel this way or that. Intellectualizing.
I had this therapist tell me years ago that intellectualizing my life was my defense mechanism. It really blew me away it made so much sense. I operate my life with some idea that if I can figure things out and understand them, I can solve the problem. It's worked really well for me in certain areas, but seems mostly useless here.
So there's all these feelings and emotions. They are building up on me. Most of my life I just dismissed them. I mean... where do you start in trying to figure that out? I guess that I had hoped to avoid those problems. Obviously that's not gonna happen either way.
I probably stopped writing here as much because I haven't read this thread in a while. Seriously, how long can I keep overanalyzing and whining about the same old stuff. There is a good therapeutic effect though. Maybe someone can relate.
It's been a long week. I'm looking forward to Friday. I'm not sure what I'm doing this weekend.