Stephanie

Throughout my recovery and in all of my adult child work I learned so much valuable information that answered many of my questions. But it is so hard to actively apply that information in my daily life.

A lot of the messages I received over and over growing up are still ingrained in my head. Today I know they are a manifestation of taking my parents too seriously and not understanding that a lot of their behavior had to do with them and not with me at all.

I remember something that only happened a few yrs. ago. It's a good example. It was my wedding day and my grandfather, who traveled from CT to be there, had a heartattack the night before and was taken to the hospital. I went to see him with my father that day and as we were walking back to the hotel I said to my father that I feel so bad going through with the wedding because of grandpa being in the hosp. and I also felt like my father was feeling too much pressure with all that was going on. Well, my dad got furious with me. He said in a very stern voice which he rarely uses, "what are you saying that you don't want to have the wedding now after everything we have done to give you the wedding you wanted. How could you feel bad for having your wedding...you are being very selfish and ingrateful. All I did was share with my father that I felt bad celebrating when his dad was very sick. Also my dad had to make arrangement to have him tranported home by helicopter to the hosp near his house. It was huge. I certainly wasn't cancelling the wedding. I was telling him how I felt. I was never allowed to feel bad because that would show that I wasn't grateful for all they have done for me.

I think that's one of the reasons i picked my husband. He doesn't ever try to see my point of view. He is always right, I'm always to blame. I know a lot of this has to do with untreated alcoholism but before I got into Alanon nothing was more important that getting him to see my point of view even if he just said yeah, I see where you're coming from. It's ok to disagree with me but he constately invalidates my feelings and beliefs.

A lot of this stems from my need for approval. That's a biggy for me. I still call my parents when good things happen to tell them because I need that approval to feel good about whatever it is. Of course, I have come a long way with it but I definitely still crave it. It is probably because I never get it so I seek it. Always trying to please everyone else and neglecting myself. It's such a double edge sword because you never get what you're looking for, maybe temporarily, and when I neglect myself....it eventually catches up with me.

I learned in therapy that I cannot depend on approval and validation from others because, for whatever reason, I'm not always going to get it. I have to validate myself and accept my own approval of myself as being enough. In effect, I have to parent myself.

I was shocked when I got married and I became really upset about something. I expected my husband to hug me and tell me it was going to be ok. I was angry when he just looked at me and said, it will feel different in the morning, and then he turned around and went to sleep. I felt neglected like he was a cad. Well I nearly fell off my chair when my therapist said to me.

"Stephanie, he isn't Daddy and you shouldn't expect him to be"