A former boss/mentor/benefactor died early this year. My primary mentor was his wife. She (or someone) tracked down my physical address and so I received an invitation in my actual mail box to a remembrance gathering that is today. This was remarkable for a lot of reasons, not least of which is that the surviving spouse seems to want to mend a bridge she burned twenty years ago. I'd been thinking quite a bit about them, particularily him, over the few months preceding the arrival of the invitation. So I had no hesitation at all; I decided on the spot that I would fly back to my home state to attend this event. Upon receiving my 'yes, I will attend' response, her son sent me a message that she was GREATLY looking forward to seeing me.
It's gratifying. This bridge she burned was over a professional decision I"d made without consulting her first. I knew at the time that I'd done the right (personally and professionally appropriate) thing in not involving her, but it still hurt terribly when she cut me off. You know, like it does when people do that to me - gut punch that makes me feel sick to my stomach, literal pain in my heart, the weight of grief pulling on me night and day, obsessive thoughts about what I coulda shoulda woulda couldn'ta done... I finally let go of that pain/guilt/shame more than a few years back, so if everything works out well (and I've no reason to think otherwise), this trip will have been in service of my long ago mentor - her need to heal the rift. And that's really all I desire.
If you've 'known' me for any amount of time, you know that travelling back to my home state has historically been a major stressor. So to prepare, I had an extra session with Daniel just two days before the trip. We talked through my plan, we talked about potential opportunities for the beast to take over and strategized over how to seal those gaps. We talked about contingency plans should the plan and the gap-sealing fail.
I arrived Friday morning; it is now Sunday morning and I fly back home in the wee hours tomorrow morning. I've not had a drink, not been tempted to drink, and have no intention to drink in the future. I am never drinking now.
Good thing, because man I'll tell ya - booze is ubiquitous here in my home state of Wisconsin. I was at the gas station at 0630 yesterday and noticed a woman (who coulda been me, not long ago) purchasing a 6-pack of some alcoholic beverage. I thought, "holy crap! How early can you buy beer here?" Answer: 6am. So one only needs to make it from 12am-6am without the ability to purchase more fuel for the beast. I went to my favorite (due to its ridiculous size) food store to get provisions; I know the attached liquor store opens around 9am because I went there several times when I last stayed in my mother's apartment. (The first time I went, I figured the enormous bottle of booze would last me the weekend. Nope, I went at least twice more to restock.) Booze and wine are available at Walgreens - right there on the shelf to just grab and pay for along with your antabuse prescription. The fancy food store mom and I visited had a fancy liquor area built right into the center of the store - dividing the expensive deli/bakery/prepared meals from the aisles that looked like a regular person grocery store. And of course everyone knows that Milwaukee has some ridiculous number of corner taverns per capita. There's one at the end of the sleepy street where my sister lives. That's not unusual - it's the norm.
Oh and also, middlest has a big problem - much like my own. The demons are the same. She's been over to my house for respite a couple of times in the last couple of months.
And also, my brother (the one who is still alive) sent me a very long rambly text message two days before my trip. Last time I got an email or text message or any direct communication from him? Oh.... I dunno. Let's say 3 decades? I think it was meant to give me an opening (and there were many offered, the way I read it) to communicate with him. A more generous person (or naive person) might look on this as some sort of apology or recognition of... I don't even know what I'm saying. He did do some generous things when I was in my middle-late 20s and I did think of those gestures as some sort of apology, but obviously that didn't 'work' for me in the longer term...
Daniel Tiger said, "How do you feel about that?" And I said, "I don't know and I don't want to feel anything about it until I'm back from my trip." He said, "Good choice."
Plus also, youngest has cracked the door open on communication. Actually, the door is a little more 'ajar' than it is cracked. Talking with her reminds me of how witty and intelligent she is and also how... BIG she can be in her righteous presence. Wonder where she gets that from?
That's not all the news there is, but it's enough for one sitting, I think.
Here's the best thing about today so far: I am not drinking.
This will likely be the number one overall highlight of my trip; that I never felt the need to drink then (or now).
O