Originally Posted by
Hawkeye13 
Functional alcoholism is a stage, and not a type. I was one for many years.
As Dee and others mentioned, when the negative progression comes it is often unexpected by the drinker and happens fast.
I think home and loved ones get the early brunt as they are more easily hidden from public life. Work performance is often the last place it shows up as drinker works hard to keep up myth of being functional—at least I did.
But I was drinking more at home on weekends, being increasingly mean / cold to spouse, isolating from friends, and taking more short cuts to manage my work and mostly ignoring necessary home projects, hobbies, and dreams.
Physically I finally began to black out at times, got serious intestinal issues, and just felt like crap all the time and only a drink would make me feel “better” as I was in a kind of withdrawal most days. My work performance began eroding, and that finally got my attention and my spouse’s ultimatum to quit or divorce sealed the deal and I quit.
I have had some relapses over the years since then (nearly ten years total I guess) but I have improved my sobriety plan and work hard on recovery. I am happily sober now and would not go back to how it was for anything. Still married, finished up my career on a good note and retired June of last year.
If I had kept drinking I believe first I would have died as my physical condition got worse suddenly and quickly, I would have been fired, and I would be divorced. I was rapidly leaving functional stage when I quit, you see. . .
So my take is that the whole family and their drinking culture are in denial of what comes next for most of them. My family was a drinking family too and my mom and dad (divorced when I was 3 weeks old) both serious alcoholics.
My mom died a drinker and chain smoker, and my brother and I were raised in a toxic alcoholic home by my mom who progressed in her own alcoholism and passed on many negative issues to my brother and I. So whatever else you choose to do, don’t have kids with an active alcoholic.
Alcohol is a real poison, so it erodes brain function, destroys organs in your body, and the idea that it doesn’t impair your ability to make rational decisions and look after kids responsibly is such a bogus lie it makes me nauseas. “Wine moms” is a crock and a affluent whitewash of our society accepting behavior which can really ruin the lives of the children involved if the drinking becomes problematic. My mom started with a cocktail and glass of wine too—in the beginning.
I think you were very wise to bring this issue up as you consider your future family and possibly having children enter into the mix, and you are being gaslit by him and family, as they are defensive and need to protect their drinking culture at nearly any cost. If I were you, I would cut my losses and divorce. If he sees the light and quits, you can revisit getting together, but with caveat of at least 1-2 years of real recovery, and not just stopping drinking for a few weeks or months.
Take care and keep posting and reading. Lots of stories to learn from here—
Hi Hawkeye - Thank you for sharing your very honest and personal experience. The family portion of this is perhaps one of the hardest parts because I absolutely adore my in-laws. They are wonderful people, generous, funny, and excellent grandparents to the other kids in the family.
However... things got exponentially worse when we started spending more time with them. We moved last year to the same state as them to purchase our family/forever home, and with the way the housing market is, we planned to stay in their home as a temporary solution to be able to jump on a purchase as soon as it was available rather than start a new lease, etc. etc. I expected 6-8 weeks.
Their beautiful home was like a vacation until I realized that's how they live life - like a vacation. All day weekend drinking. Lunch beers. Dinner wines. Cocktail hours after work that stretch til 11 PM. It wasn't a safe or healthy environment for me, so I told my spouse I'd like to do a short-term rental to "re-set" and remove both he and I from an environment where we weren't thriving individually or as a couple. We needed our own space again and could continue to search for homes, but three months was more than enough of sharing a home as an adult in my 30s.
He opted to stay with his folks while I did the research on the rental... thus, the separation. In the end, it was the right and healthy choice for me and he is still there nearly a year later, drinking daily and rarely leaving the house. They live in a rural area and he works 100% remote, so there isn't much reason to leave. But I can't wrap my head around why someone would choose to live with their parents when their spouse is waiting on the other side wanting to help. I guess that's the alcoholism and the culture they've created.
If it was almost any other issue, I could talk with his mom about it. We are very close.. but this one feels off-limits because if it's an "attack" on his lifestyle, it's an attack on hers, too. I brought up my concerns with his drinking when we first showed up there in an honest conversation, and she acknowledged that it sounded bad, and then continued to bring out the wine glasses every night.