silentrun, upon waking this morning, I remembered writing here about a long Saturday spent on my couch, contemplating a trip to the liquor store. That event preceded my drinking by some time, but your mention of "romancing" brought it back to mind. (Yes, I'm a slow thinker sometimes - particularly in regard to my own feelings and reactions.) I'm not sure I'd call it 'romancing,' but it most certainly was a tug o' war. I would be remiss if I didn't mention it and thank you for bringing it to my attention.
fini, I agree that there is a necessary element of 'authority' in parenting - and that's not inherently negative. I was probably sloppy with my language earlier. What I meant was that the relationship between me and each of my daughters is very different to that of 'subordinates' (don't like that word, but I'm using it for clarity) in non-familial relationships. Because I was simultaneously the primary nurturer, provider and an increasingly alcohol-sodden mother, they got stuck in a uniquely rotten dynamic. What must it be like to love your mother and hate her at the same time, as they must have? To be reliant on a person who is sporadically and unpredictably unreliable? To be compassionate people (as they all are) but to live in a household with a sick person beyond your control? I think I have a sense of this through my own experience with my parents, becoming clearer as I read the Alice Miller book. I suppose its within the realm of possibility that I could have had similar impact on people who are not my children, but I don't believe I did. I don't think there is anyone in the world who loves me as intensely as they do. The level of remorse I have about what I've put them through doesn't compare to that in regard to anyone else - because I think I hurt them the most deeply. "How can I make it up to you?" That sounds ridiculous, like father pulling out his coin purse while asking the question. It feels deeply insulting to me - until/unless I put it in the framework I described above.