advbike, I found a good part of my solution by coming to a deep understanding that I am part of the whole. That's spirituality to me - the feeling of belonging/mattering in the universe even if I don't 'fit.' And believe you me, I don't fit into most places. For instance, you will often find me in the 'exception' places within the AA framework. I don't fit many of the descriptions of the alcoholic you can find there - no small surprise since I'm not a white guy in the 1930s. Nevertheless, I took enormous comfort in knowing that, according to their own rules, I belonged in AA since the only qualification for membership is a desire to stop drinking. I get you on doing therapy and AA at the same time. There was a time when that was a major challenge for me because they felt conflicting. Plus also a whole lot of people in AA seem to think 'sponsoring' means being a life coach... I could go on, but will take this opportunity to practice restraint.
awuh1, speaking of which, I am a big fan of the inscription "To Thine Own Self be True" on the AA chips. Once I started developing a backbone, that sentiment (plus the 3rd Tradition - qualifying for membership because I want to stop/stay stopped) really helped me to pay attention to my truth rather than how others might define me. I agree it's critical to understand why I relapsed, so started doing that in the hospital the day after I came out of dementia. Once home, I was able to fact-check myself on the sequence of events and found that - in essence - I was pretty much on target. When I met with Daniel Tiger (the therapist) yesterday, he cosigned my conclusion that it was a combination of going to his office in person plus an intent to start looking at 'the trauma.' Awuh, are you saying that you asked your children how you could 'make it up to them?' I can't imagine how it would be possible for me to make up for all of the things I put my girls through over the last decade.
MrPL, I called eldest and middlest from the hospital. I expressed my sincere and deep remorse for the pain and fear I'd caused them. I said that I truly never understood (in my heart of hearts) how much I was hurting them by what I was doing to myself. Eldest blew up over the phone but froze me out for 'only' a week at the most. Middlest accepted my apology graciously (without excusing me, which I didn't want her to do) but has not spoken with me since she learned I was coming home. She has very firm boundaries. I'll need to wait. Youngest is a whole different story - we haven't had a real conversation for over a year. I'm reading this book by Alice Miller, "For Your Own Good," and it's revelatory. She describes a parent-child dynamic that I experienced in both roles; the submissive obedient child and the shaming, domineering mother. I see now that youngest bore the heaviest load of pain I unwittingly passed along from how my mother raised me. I believe the key to healing our relationship begins with this more clear understanding. But I also think I need to get patched up a bit before approaching any of that with her. I'm glad you're here too, MrPL.