Obladi

These two thoughts may not be as disconnected as they seem. I'm not sure about you, but one of the things that used to make me want to seek the release of alcohol was the relief of dealing with something difficult. It wasn't exactly a 'reward' thing, I don't think - it was more like... maybe relief is very close to release? So I wanted more. They say addiction is the disease of more, you know.

It's not your mind telling you to go back to drink - that's your addiction. Your mind knows better. Experiencing cravings again (more) is completely natural. The addiction is going to come calling from time to time - checking to see if you're ready for it yet. It's not the cravings that are the problem - it's that you are entertaining them. You've been inviting that little beastie addiction in for tea and biscuits, discussing how much you miss your fix and debating over what to do about that.

Yeah, me too man. But we don't drink anymore, so it's just not an option. Nothing will ever make me feel like alcohol did. That's just a fact. It's nothing to feel bad about - it's just something to notice and then move along to whatever the next right thing is. I think your sponsor is guiding you to continue to clear away the wreckage of your past so that you can put this era in your life to rest. That's powerful stuff, as you've noticed.

What other thing could you do that is self-indulgent but won't harm you or anyone else? There are some things I give myself a pass on - picking up a little gift for myself, eating sweets, spending the entire day putting together playlists... wasteful and not the healthiest things to do for my body, perhaps. But it sure as shooting beats the abuse I was putting myself through while I was drinking.

Stay the course, David.
You're doing good.

O