thanks for the replies, it always helps, yes I think I am comming to terms with facing the truth ... and trying to sort it all out ... where I fit in, and whether or not I do ... thanks for the reminder to be gentle with myself ... I hardly ever am. As for my friends, yes, I am embarrassed that I made a bad decision. And I don't know why I am so afraid, they are great friends and I need them now more than ever, thanks for that reminder ....... keep up the support, I am glad I have this place to come to. Last night we talked for the first time about my concerns about his drinking ... I didn't blame or demand that he stop, I just let him know that I noticed he was drinking more and that I was concerned about what he was doing to himself, and let it go at that, he said thanks for noticing and being concerned, he knows its not good to drink as much. Only time will tell ... of course we have been in the middle of a big fight for 4 days now .. so I am sure he will still drink just as much today, since it is his only way of coping ... he knows I am thinking of moving out ........ but not just because of his drinking .