CaughtInChaos

Thank you everyone. He definitely seems to be manipulating the counseling sessions. He has even flat out lied. I'm starting to wonder if he believes his own lies. He has spent the last 10 years keeping our lives in a roller-coaster of chaos with his addiction, in and out of ER's, rehabs, job jumping every couple years and the financial strain that causes, him over spending on junk and not having his half for the bills. When he is using he also has messes everywhere (he is a slob), mood swings, lying, and pretty much only wanting to spend his free time watching TV. He hands out affection like crumbs. Of course, we have good times. Months where things are okay, even good. We connect and do things together, but things have been gradually getting worse over the last 2 or 3 years. It's hard to completely know when because he travels a lot for work (especially during Covid). Anyway, he has given me an angry ultimatum that the relationship is over because of so little sex. First, he claimed it was three years of misery, then five, now he claims it's been like that for seven. No acknowledgement of the toll all these above things have taken on our relationship or that they might have a lot to do with so little sex. I told him we need counseling. He agreed, but like I said he lies and deceives the counselor. Now he is drinking and I agree with the posters on here that say that he is just trading one drug for another. He told the counselor that he needs us to just jump-start things and dive into sex. The counselor told him he needs to show me affection. That it comes first, but he just doesn't seem to get it. SO, in a final, last ditch effort to try his way, I spent the last two days trying to "jumpstart" the sex. I would have done it sooner, but he has been traveling. and putting me off when I suggest that I sleep in our room again (I have been sleeping in extra room because of multiple issues- his health, and insomnia and now our ultimatum status) But now I can't do the "jumpstart" right either. He is "too tired", "hasn't showered". This is all fine. I am just trying to make an effort, but the final straw was when he said, "I don't like it in the morning, pay attention". WOW, this truly feels like emotional abuse. He said it in a nasty tone of voice, like I'm an idiot. Then was distant the rest of the day. I am baffled. I did not pressure him or act annoyed. In fact, I instead invited him to watch the sunset together or something he would like to do. Nope. I went by myself.
I have had a nagging suspicion that this sex/ultimatum was a distraction, and now I am even more sure of it!! Everything was fine a few months ago. I mean we had some really nice intimate moments. Over the last year he had even said he was having trouble with sex stuff and should see a doctor, etc. and made comments about not being as interested in sex as much as he used to be. and then suddenly! after these nice moments, I overheard him getting fired and he gave me the ultimatum moments later that same day! He also had recently borrowed a lot of money from me, because he said he got behind and that is when I started finding empty alcohol bottles hidden. I am such a dope. I think he is starting a fire somewhere else to distract from me closing in on his lies! I just feel so betrayed. I have supported him thru so many low times and he just turns on me at the drop of a hat. He must be using again...? His behavior is so irrational and hostile, really. He doesn't care how much trauma he causes me. I am an emotional wreck. I think I am finally ready to start to accept that it is time to move on. It is just so hard after so many years, and loving him so deeply. My self respect and self confidence are sadly so low now. Gradually been chipped away at, but that's on me for accepting it.