He started back drinking
Brief history since I don't post often, We separated in August after years of me tolerating heavy drinking. AH promised he would quit, get his version of help, admitted he had an "alcohol use disorder" which changed to he had a problem with drinking then became he got out of control a few times. I found out he started back drinking last week, I had suspected but he said he was drinking and even asked why I left, and my daughter confirmed that he is drinking. Which leads me to this past weekend, I was at our house (I had moved out) to clean and get it ready for pictures so we can list it, he returned after a weekend of football with his brother. I immediately sensed he was in a mood, our daughter did too. I went immediately back into that place, I don't have a word for it. The walking on egg shells, trying not to upset the on-edge irritable sour smelling person that you can't escape from. I had to get the house finished, I was stuck and my internal response to smooth over the situation kicked in and I swallowed my pride and bit my tongue while he "helped" from the recliner. I made it through, right? Kind of. The emotions stayed with me for another day, I was so surprised by the tears on the way back to the cabin, the emotional toll it took on me, the ability for him to put me back in that place immediately after being away from it for months, that I still can feel it days later. It's ridiculous how much damage happens and they are so unaware.
I had been doing so well, I am moving into a new place in Dec, starting a new job with amazing opportunities and in a matter of minutes it feels like I am back to the person that spends all her time trying to keep the peace and ignore what she needs for her own health. I will get my groove back I know but I just wasn't ready for this. I thought I was out and immune I guess. It's time for boundaries, I won't be taking his calls everyday, i'll let him go to voice mail and return his calls later on, if it's even necessary. I will start packing my stuff and time it for when he is gone. I have a plan to get back to where I need to be, I need to be patient and let myself heal again but I just want to be free from this ball and chain. I'm so tired of the ups and downs and the unpredictability of his behavior, oh to have people in my life that are consistent. What a blessing that will be.