Originally Posted by
sage1969 
Thank you for posting this reminder. I needed it, last night and now . . . after 5 months of silence XABF drunk texted last night to try to get his foot back in the door. *sigh*
I definitely didn't sleep, having all those feelings all over again. But I do know this morning that he most likely won't remember, I think he was in a blackout, and he won't check his text messages, so it's like the rest of our time together: it never happened and I don't exist.
So back to your wise words: he is an active alcoholic
Yes he is... and yours is too... My goal in this next season of my life is to figure out why I was willing to settle for crumbs... I mean not in the begining... In the begining I find that active alcoholics (mine anyway) was intoxicating in some ways... I have figured out that there is a role they play... similar to being a narcissist... they find out what it is you are wanting and fill that cup up. For me it was connection and time... and my exAH did spent so much time with me... Inseperable is the word that comes to mind. I remember now as I glance over it like a movie playing that his friends gave him weird looks. Like somehow they knew he was playing a role and I would eventually get crushed. I had one a few of his friends that I got closer to over the years say to me in the begining "Are you sure this is what you want?"... and one of his buddies said to me once a few months into us dating "Taking on kids and an ex wife is so much ... you really want this?" I now know they knew the wild guy inside him. The guy that outside of a 2 year sobriety kick in his early 20s had been drinking from the time he was 15 up until that point... I mean everyone agreed that my exAH had a great heart... but even that changed over the last 7 years... So yes ... alcohol destroys someones brain, mental capacity to have empathy and compassion... not saying if an alcoholic gets sober it can return but I think now anything they say or do has no meaning behind it... Good or Bad... They just throw things out there and see what sticks in a way... It doesn't hold the same value or weight that it does for someone not deep in addiction. That is why my exAH could go from being in an argument one night to cuddling 30 minutes later without even discussing what we had just went through.... His mean words didn't hold weight...nor did his positive words... I look at it like they are 5 year olds... What has kinda helped me is watching the show intervention. It has made me see it from a non personal view. When I am watching it I think to myself... "Would i expect that addict in the show to turn around and have any remorse or remember anything?" the answer is always no... until that part in the show where they do the 90 day update... Even in 90 days off alcohol they are different in a good way...Hang in their... don't take the bait... in a few days from now the bait won't matter to him... but to you (because you aren't numbing yourself) it could take weeks to recover from the spin of engaging again...sending love