What do you do when nothing can be fixed?
I registered for these forums long ago, but this is my first-time post. I began chronically drinking a little over four years ago. My use problem preceded that, but was something that for a while I could manage with long periods of abstinence.
I’ve fallen apart, particularly these last two years. I work from home and feel trapped here, in a house I don’t want and a job that I don’t want, but need to have to pay for the house I don’t want. I recently checked myself into a IOP program, and for 70 days was sober. I screwed up on Tuesday, three days after being discharged. Self-pity is one of my danger signs. That morning, I was rummaging around in a closet to find a light bulb, and my daughter texted my wife that she was worried I was scrummaging for alcohol. That evening, I took my son to baseball practice, and as I was backing out of the driveway I bumped into some gardening platers that I had earlier dragged out to clean up. I was sober, but he immediately accused me of drinking.
After I dropped him, I stopped and bought a pint of vodka. I was so upset that after all my work, I was still just a drunk to my wife and kids. Surprisingly, I only drank half of it, before I stopped. That’s unheard of for me. I don’t even think my wife knew I had been drinking, but the next day I told her. I felt I needed to, and she’s hated me since. We had a huge fight last night – I was sober and trying to disengage, but she would not leave me be. I just wanted to be alone in my shame, and focus on keeping this as a lapse, and not a relapse. She wants to get divorced, and my kids won’t even talk to me.
I feel there is nothing I can do to change things. I tried. I sought help. I fell down but got back up, butthey still hate me. They have no idea what this is like. My parents (and theirs) all had drinking problems. I can’t escape this disease or find the support I need. I know this is my fault but I cannot escape the shame a guilt, and I get no credit for the progress I made. I asked my wife to attend therapy with me, but she would not. It’s pointless to her, because this is my problem.
I don’t know how to fix this.