Originally Posted by
prairiegirl 
The statement makes sense in that we do become hostages, without realizing it, but willing hostages. Like GiveLove mentioned, it's probably not useful to focus on that statement because it's a prison of our own making and we can walk away at any time; it just may not feel like we can. We can easily start to feel so responsible for their recovery and happiness that we come to believe we are the only ones that can help them We often are doing everything for them which just makes it easier for them to keep doing what they're doing. When I look back on my relationship with my XAH, I can see that I willingly made myself indespensible to him and started to focus more and more of my life on helping him get sober, rather than putting that energy back where it belonged - on my life. He never at any time asked me to do that. So, if we become hostages, we are willing hostages.
what if he did ask me to do that? what if he said that I was the reason he was getting sober because that’s how much he loved me? what if he begged me not to go back home during the semester we lived together, when I had become really depressed and was going through family issues? He told me that he couldn’t keep up his sobriety without me and asked me to stay at school for him.
I think we’re willing hostages to an extent, but there’s often a certain amount of coercive manipulation that we’re subject to as well. I was the only person at school who knew he was dealing with this (he was high functioning and wouldn’t tell anyone else, even though I practically begged him to), and so I guess I did have the choice to leave, but I was genuinely scared he’d really hurt himself, if not worse, had I decided to leave. His life shouldn’t have been my responsibility, but that’s so much easier said than done when you love someone.
(He ended up breaking my heart 6 weeks later and blamed me for his problems and the breakup, so that was awesome!)