My husband also dealt with both depression and addiction issues. Suicidal ideation was a serious problem for us. I thought if I could be there to “help him through” the not-thinking-clearly part that it would be enough. That I could help him avert the worst symptoms and maybe even start to see clearly. We got psychiatrists and psychologists on board. There were several times I thought I would have to call 911. I hid car keys so he couldn’t drive somewhere and buy a gun.
It wasn’t enough. And honestly, if he hadn’t left me in a hypomanic state, everything going on might have destroyed me. I was working so hard I was starting to have suicidal thoughts of my own and trouble getting up off the couch. He did appreciate the effort and me, and even in the worst depression times let me know how grateful he was I was his partner, even tried to take care of me in the ways he could, but ultimately my optimism and encouragement could never break through the PTSD/depression for very long, and each time the depression came back I think he felt more hopeless and ashamed that he couldn’t “get better” even with all this help. Eventually, I think that meant every time I “helped” it started to hurt, like he was letting me down. And nothing I said could convince him otherwise.
I’ll be honest. I still believe that he is capable of coming out on the other side of this. Whether or not he will remains to be seen, but out of respect for him, I realized I married a man I trust to fight for himself (and that includes asking for help when he needs it). I have a lot of hope we may be able to be together again. But if we hadn’t separated, as angry and sad as I was at the time for him initiating the separation, I think it could have gotten a lot worse. I think if I had started to be his “therapist” instead of his partner, it would have changed our relationship forever, even after he “got through” this hard time.
For myself, learning to focus on “my side of the street” was equally helpful for the depression/PTSD/bipolar tendencies as it was for the addiction issues. And treating all those labels as different facets of the same mental health struggle REALLY helped. Each label was not an answer, but rather a way to describe a piece of the puzzle that was my husband. And ultimately, they were inseparable pieces, just like he is one whole person.