I appreciate everyone's insight. I'm especially appreciate those sharing personal experiences caring for family dealing with both drinking and depression. It takes a lot to share to that degree. If I'm not directly responding to you it's because thats especially hard for me, but I am thinking about what you share.
Lynn, thank you for sharing this experience with your son.
Originally Posted by
555Lynn555 
I don't know about your husband ff, but my son is not about to comply with that---and I have to let it go because I can't change it. I think for me, I've tried to focus very hard on what I can do. I can, if he makes a threat or statement about self-harm, get him to a hospital if he's willing and call someone to take him if he isn't. I can be loving and supportive and present. I can take care of myself--it isn't an either/or proposition. I can choose to live my life outside of his addiction and outside of his mental health issues without choosing to live my life outside of loving him.
My husband has clearly expressed to me, doctor and therapist he wants help with his depression and especially with feeling suicidal. Feeling suicidal has not been part of his past episodes, as soon as he had a suicidal feeling he communicated this. He asked to go in-patient, it's not an option. He's on a waiting list just to get a permanent therapist. He's not receiving acute care because of the strain on the healthcare system, not because he's resisting care. We've worked with his temp therapist to create a safety plan. That's the best we have right now.
If he weren't seeking help for depression I might feel differently, but right now my partner is in pain, he's asked for help and I'm 100% committed to helping him with this. We've been through bouts of depression before and he's successfully worked on his mental health.
Understanding the drinking is still new. This degree of depression, level of drinking this past year and the significant impact of drinking on his mental health is something we're both dealing with for the first time and just starting to understand.
Originally Posted by
velma929 You husband, if he's an alcoholic, needs to quit, not just cut down. He's still under the delusion he can drink like a normal person. He can keep up that pretense for a few weeks, I suppose. You have a problem with his drinking. He doesn't.
I don't know if it's fair to say that I have a problem with his drinking and he doesn't. What seem more accurate is that over the past few months, roughly starting in March, I've come to recognize his drinking is a problem and he has just started to see, within the past 2 weeks, that his drinking is a problem.
Again, thinking about him as an alcoholic is new. We're at the "if he's an alcoholic" stage. He literally just said that he recognized the connection between drinking on Friday and feeling angry and depressed on Saturday.
Originally Posted by
velma929 He stopped drinking in May and has just now felt good enough (not depressed) to go out with friends and had drinks on those 3 occasions.
He hasn't stopped drinking, then.
Yes, its accurate to say he didn't stop drinking. He stopped for a period. Then, when he felt less depressed, went out with friends and had drinks like he's done in the past, but this time he had a different experience. It was after this that he acknowledged he saw a connection between drinking and his mood and behavior.
I think he needed to see that. He's been in depressive state for months. He's just starting to return to a normal state, a state where he can now see things more clearly. I think he was able to make the connection.
I honestly don't think this has been his experience with alcohol in the past.
It feels like the period of excessive drinking during 2020 changed him.
Originally Posted by
advbike Yes, it IS how it works. Many people cross the line between regular drinking and alcoholism at a point in their lives when they have drank heavily for one reason or another. And once over that line, it's almost impossible to go back. There is a very good book called Alcohol Explained by William Porter that I highly recommend. It's informative and easy to read, but not preachy about it, so I have found that even alcoholics will read it. You might find it helpful to see how the alcoholism progression works.
Thank you for sharing this, it's really helpful to read. Maybe this is basic knowledge but it's so helpful to have you say this. I honestly didn't know this. I feel foolish not understanding this. I feel angry at myself for not knowing this sort of thing.
I understand you're all well versed in addiction and recovery, and I appreciate your insight which is why I posted, but my gosh this has not been a part of my life until this year. It's all so new.
Truthfully, some statements are feeling a bit harsh. Also, truthfully, I'm feeling very tender right now and could be taking things the wrong way. I'm going to practice self-care and step back from posting and stick to just reading the forum.
Please know I am grateful. Thank you.