Wow. So much. First of all Sage that was so brave to share and thank you so much for caring that much. Having dealt with suicidal ideation for a decade with my son I understand everything that has been said on both sides. I've tried to eliminate the methods. I've stayed up worrying. I've asked the questions and had the conversations. I've worried myself literally sick. And not one of those things changed anything. And for me, it took the alcoholism to understand and see that. Two years of being afraid to go to sleep because he might not be alive in the morning. Two years of waking up and hoping to hear him snoring so I knew he was alive. Two years of terror. My son found the perfect way to end his life and not feel any pain it seemed---but of course he didn't---of course he still felt the pain and so did we. I think those were really wise words about not being able to control it--you can't. You also can't stop caring and being concerned. For me, I have to compartmentalize that for my own mental health. I have to tell that voice in my head that tells me that closed door is the enemy, that it could be, but remember that a thousand times it was not. I have to tell that voice that at the lowest points in the past, he reached out and just trust that he will again. I have to tell that voice that even if he doesn't there isn't a "something" that I didn't do. It's sound advice about acute care but for both fauxfern's husband and my son, they are adults and have to choose to comply with that. I don't know about your husband ff, but my son is not about to comply with that---and I have to let it go because I can't change it. I think for me, I've tried to focus very hard on what I can do. I can, if he makes a threat or statement about self-harm, get him to a hospital if he's willing and call someone to take him if he isn't. I can be loving and supportive and present. I can take care of myself--it isn't an either/or proposition. I can choose to live my life outside of his addiction and outside of his mental health issues without choosing to live my life outside of loving him.