I'm sorry for what you are having to deal with FauxFern. I am a codependent man and of course we care about our loved ones, but I am learning I have to step back from trying to always help others who are struggling with dependency and addiction. I worry constantly, and fear for them, and naturally want to give advice or try to learn more about how they are feeling but have been told my behavior is controlling, which I acknowledge. I also get emotionally exhausted from it all and get little else done when in that situation. I am currently re-reading Codependent No More and learning... That said there are things we can do, like just holding the person sometimes, to reassure them of how we feel and care for them. Or just saying it.
Originally Posted by
fauxfern 
We've lived with his depression for a long time. He's had depressive episodes in the past but never, never, never like this. He's had times when he drank too much in the past but it never, never, never effected his behavior or depression like this.
Prior to 2020 I never thought of him as an alcoholic. I never had the "don't drink" conversation. There were times he drank too much but it was never to the point where I thought he couldn't control his drinking. He's had periods of time when he took a drinking break for months at a time to focus on sports, get in shape etc. We'd have a drink with dinner and leave it at that.
Alcohol certainly increases depression over the long term. It is a depressant. Many alcoholics like the temporary feeling of elation they get.. but the long term effect is to increase depression. I have seen it with my ex GF who has both anxiety and depression. She drinks to relieve her anxiety (temporary relief at best) and it increases her depression. My understanding with most dual diagnoses (and I have found this to be true also with my own) is that the addictive substance, ie. the alcohol, has to be removed before progress can be made on the disorder itself - whether depression, anxiety, OCD, etc.
Originally Posted by
fauxfern I feel like 2020 changed him. During that time we both drank too much. Then things got better in the world and I went back to normal but he is stuck in a deep, deep depression and is now struggling with addiction. I don't know if that's how alcoholism works, if a period of excessive drinking can trigger an addiction, but that's how things look and feel to me.
Yes, it IS how it works. Many people cross the line between regular drinking and alcoholism at a point in their lives when they have drank heavily for one reason or another. And once over that line, it's almost impossible to go back. There is a very good book called
Alcohol Explained by William Porter that I highly recommend. It's informative and easy to read, but not preachy about it, so I have found that even alcoholics will read it. You might find it helpful to see how the alcoholism progression works.