Steph,
It is the recovering addicts responsibilty to live out his sobriety in a manner that does not leave any room for suspicion.
I think we agree in theory. The Addict cannot be responsible for his spouses reactions but in the end he/she IS responsible for a partners suspicions. An evening of working late can be handled differently than it was in the past. A simple change like a second phone call on the way out the door might be enough. I don't want to qualify that statement because I think it is true.
When I went into recovery and began to realize what I had done, like you, my amends had to be in the way of behavior. A simple "I'm sorry" would have been meaningless. It was not always convienient or pleasant but I needed to do it. One day at a time I had to prove to my husband that he could trust me to not go off like a crazy person.
Early recovery is and should be very selfish but as time goes on and the edges smooth it changes. That is the point where consideration of my part in the other's behavior comes up. I could have gone along saying that Ward's actions are his problem (which in truth they are) but knowing my responsibilty and owning it caused me to go out of my way to earn his trust again.
When my son stayed with us I could pretty easily separate his behavior when he was working hard and when he was faltering but I have the benefit of years of recovery. There are many spouses who don't have that and have no intention of going there.
My point in all of this was to make the statement that there is no reason to feel guilty about not trusting. That trust was stolen in many cases right along with the VCR. Regaining my trust belongs to the thief.
Hugs,
JT
That sounds harsh. I am assuming that you all know I am recovered enough to not browbeat or punish. I don't need anything kissed. I am not better or worse. I just happen to be in the passenger seat.