Thanks trailmix for saying that. I appreciate the encouragement. I'm kind of both---realistic and the cheerleader---and I know that is a contradiction. I can't help but hope for the best, but that doesn't mean that I don't see what's in front of me or that I don't understand that the odds are in his/my favor.
It is so interesting that you said spacing out his drinking as long as he can stand because we had this exact conversation yesterday and that is 100% correct. He told me (and his therapist) that the cravings, etc. wear him down after a while. My question since the second time he drank since this began has been, "What are you going to do differently?" and he hasn't yet come up with an answer. I have told him that without a plan he is not likely to be successful and I've explained why that is. I believe that he is waiting for someone to tell him what to do (it seems that way) and I told him that no once can do that. I told him that doctors, therapists, or anyone else can make suggestions but that is all they are and no one can decide what he is willing to commit to or what he thinks might work for him--he has to do that. I suggested that he should spend some time researching options if he is unsure what they are. I think he wants me to do it for him and then tell him and he can tell me why they won't work--and I'm not doing that. That is useless for both of us. I still think he's looking for something that is easy and it doesn't exist. I've told him that, yesterday his PCP told him that as well. He doesn't say that of course, and I'm not positive he realizes it in himself, but for me when you are working your recovery when you are with a doctor/therapist and outside of that it looks like not drinking only---then you are looking for easy and it just isn't that simple. So all of that to say--I believe you're right.
I really like what you said about being sober vs. recovery. I didn't put it in those terms but that too, was part of our discussion yesterday---that when you remove the alcohol you still have the problems that led you there in the first place and you have to do the work (in a healthy manner) on those issues as well. I shared with him things that I've heard here that echo that.
I have read Codependent No more--a really long time ago, but I am currently re-reading it. The first time (more than a decade ago) I wasn't dealing with having addiction or alcoholism in my life and I remember that it was difficult to apply a lot of the book because of that. This time, it is very meaningful and relatable.
You're input is really valuable, thank you so much!