Wow Bute, I relate so much to your description of how much your son's happiness determined your own. I've been doing this dance for 10 years now. It wasn't the drinking for that long but the mental health issues that began before the drinking. The biggest difference is just that before I was afraid he would hurt himself and now I'm watching him do it. He stayed sober 12 days, drank 1, then sober again for 10, drank 1, and we are now on day 4 of sobriety again. I know he's making an effort and I know relapse is almost expected in early sobriety. I am proud of him for getting right back up when he has fallen, but I am also frustrated that he isn't really doing anything different and how do you expect the outcome to change if you don't? But that is me still trying to control what I cannot and while I know it---it is a little harder to stop the thoughts. I will keep working on it though. I really have detached more than I thought I could already so I know I can stop playing caregiver too.
The other thing that really resonated with me what what you said about them being resilient. Even now, the smallest things that I stop doing for him--he is more than capable. I sometimes wonder how I got to this place---doing so much. I guess it snowballed and before I knew it my caretaking became bigger than me. I didn't end up quite where you did but I definitely have felt a physical and mental toll for quite some time.
I'm so glad that things are better for you and I hope that your son can find what he needs to turn his life around for good. I admire your strength and I know that it was hard fought.
Thank you so much for talking to me. It helps.