Thank you Bute. I am definitely worried about following through because it is hard when it is your son and I have codependency issues for sure (I'm working on it). I really had to take a hard look at myself when I made the rules for exactly that reason--I needed to believe I was capable of following through. I do believe that I am simply because I can't do it anymore. I have lived his alcoholism for a while now and all it has done is destroy me---it hasn't helped or changed him at all. I read that codependents also have a "rock bottom" and I guess I found mine.
Thanks for the suggestions on how to handle enforcing them also. Yes it absolutely would be easier to not allow him in than to try to get an intoxicated man more than twice my size out. He is very well aware that this is the case if I know about it and I'm sure that factored in when he chose to go out after I'd gone to bed (my days start early so I go to bed early too). Removing keys is a good suggestion and one I hadn't thought of!
I'm so sorry for all that you have gone through with your son. How is he doing now? How are you doing now?
I fear that I may have to evict my son eventually as well. Obviously, I hope not, but my gut is telling me that even though he is making positive steps, he still isn't in the right headspace to quit. That means that he's lying--to me, his doctors, and maybe himself--and no one gets sober that way. I feel so completely gutted that this person that was the most honest, loyal, caring, dependable person has become someone I can't believe, trust, or depend upon.
"I no longer wanted a front row seat to it all either"--I felt that. That is exactly how I feel. I can't save you but I can't watch you kill yourself either.
You said your son had mental health issues too. I wonder if you will relate to this. Back when he was in high school he had two inpatient stays for talking about killing himself---no attempt. When I met with the psychiatrist at the hospital he said something to me that I had been feeling, he said, "It's almost as if he wants to be sick so you'll have to take care of him.". I feel that way now again. And I take my share of the blame for trying to---but I've noticed lately that every time we disagree with him, no matter how small or inconsequential the subject---every time the conversation moves from him or his topic---he zones out or physically leaves. Maybe it's just a piece of him reacting to me changing and enforcing boundaries.
Thanks again for the words and the support...it helps.