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Old 07-17-2021, 01:30 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
edoering
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Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 334
Cookie, I think it’s useful to turn these thought questions on their side—have I considered how making Choice X will impact me, or only how it will impact my addict loved one?

For myself, my codependency tends to show up in old beliefs that there’s a “right way” to be a good person. I believed if I could intellectually and philosophically understand a situation I could navigate it “correctly” (read: control it and the outcomes, so I was both being “good” and perceived by others as “good” and thereby worthy of love). But I wasn’t loving myself enough to consider how my choices would actually impact me. (I basically didn’t want to take responsibility for my own wants/needs, so I focused instead on everyone else’s wants/needs).

So for instance, the decision to drink at a party with an alcoholic loved one. Obviously, our actions and choices affect others. But also, it’s our partner’s human right (being born with free will!) to choose for themselves how they react to my actions. It can be very condescending to try to “protect people from themselves.” And it’s both of our human responsibilities to have and communicate our own boundaries if we have any. Which means I have to make this decision based on knowing myself, and trusting that my partner is someone who can thrive in the way that is best for them while I am thriving in the way that is best for me. (I think that’s the goal for all relationships, including with compromises, anyways!). So for drinking at a party, what does the non-addict partner really want? If feeling obligated not to drink would make a person feel restricted and subconsciously resentful, it’ll never be sustainable to make that choice for a lifelong relationship. In my case, I don’t like drinking, so I didn’t anyway. And some people will make the choice not to drink because their partner’s comfort is their top priority and they don’t want to change that ever (probably not healthy, but hey, it’s their choice!)

Just like all life, the best we can do is make a choice we stand behind, and weather the positive and negative side effects. When I’m in “codependent mode” I secretly crave the magic ability to make choices that ONLY have positive ripple effects. In other words, control the outcome. I just don’t always realize it’s controlling because it’s dressed up in love and anxiety and hope and pain and all those things. I try to think, at the end of my life, I’M the one who dies for me, and I want to be able to look back and stand by how I lived 😂

All that just to say, rather than worry about what is his fault and what is yours, maybe consider what choices are the right choices for you? And are you making those choices for yourself, or for the hope/expectation that you will get a certain pit come?
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