trailmix

Hi Batgirl, so sorry you have been so hurt in all of this and really glad you posted.

Of all the big red flags in your story, the one above stands out for me. One has to ask, why?

- He lied to you about his alcohol use/alcoholism
- Said he wants to be left alone to drink in peace (this is at least one true thing he has said)
- Cheated on you while you were trying to reconcile.
- Broke up with you to go drink - you had to ask him to leave the second time
- While dating the other woman, he still found time to unblock you once a week to send drunken messages

And this is the person you would do anything for?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming you and I'm certainly not judging you. As you have been reading around the forum you have no doubt seen that generally, when you are feeling this way it's because you are not paying enough attention to yourself.

For months you have focused on this guy who is absolutely - in no way - relationship material. He can barely keep himself together and he wants children?

What that tells you is what he is thinking (I want to be married, settle down, have children and a white picket fence) and what he is doing (drunk texting/calling my ex girlfriend while dating another woman whose child I have met and there are "feelings" involved) are wildly opposed. He has no plan, no responsibility, no empathy, he is entirely self absorbed.

That's not unusual in alcoholism by the way, addiction is a very self-centered pursuit. If you are chasing a drug all the time, be that alcohol or heroin, that doesn't leave a lot of time for feelings about anything or anyone else. That's how he can just leave you. His one true love is alcohol, not you, not his family, not his friends, probably not even him.

He has no idea what he wants or what he is even capable of doing. He is certainly, absolutely, impossibly not ready to be a Father, that is for sure, so that's all just a pipe dream. Say you got on board, had a child and got married, a year or two down the road he would be on his way out the door, or if you didn't nag him too much he might stick around and just drink at the bar more.

You have to allow yourself to move away from this relationship. Yes, by going no contact. This gives you space to see the world around you without him in it. The peacefulness, the safe feeling. These are all things you have inside you that you can allow yourself to have. You don't need him for any of that.

Now I'm sure he must have some good qualities, if he didn't you wouldn't have got in to a relationship with him in the first place, but if you do decide to revisit the relationship you will keep getting hurt over and over, if for no other reason than he can "just leave you".

Al Anon is great, therapy, other support groups you might find helpful, post here. Go out more, see friends and family, even if you don't feel like it. Dating an alcoholic can be very isolating, you may find friends have dropped by the wayside, now is a great time to reach out to them again.

You didn't Cause it, can't Control it, can't Cure it (the 3 c's)