Originally Posted by dandylion
Oh my, this Detachment can be, for the partner, like tearing flesh from bone. Very scary and threatening---since the modus operandi for the partner is often one of control--control over outcomes. This will usually go deep into the childhood development of the co-dependent partner as a way of coping with their own childhood environment.
It's funny, my mom called this morning to talk about this and about feeling guilt and worry that she essentially trained me into codependency. I told her no she didn't, but I think it's related to your description of the difference that being in an abusive or addictive relationship makes on otherwise healthy things. My parents both always taught me to be caring and considerate of the other person's viewpoint, not to react in anger, trying to reach for compromise and understanding, etc. All of these are good habits when in a healthy relationship where the other person is doing the same. None of us had any experience or skills in dealing with an unhealthy relationship with so much toxicity and manipulation however, leading those same habits to be taken to an unhealthy extreme.
When someone is in active addiction, lying and manipulation are their modus operandi. They lie to themselves about how drinking and not drinking makes them feel, to their loved ones about the effect their drinking has and how much they do it, and to the outside world about the state of their life at home. For the loved one (spouse in my case), continuing to act as if their partner is also acting from a place of honesty leads to those healthy habits being warped and distorted. You try to see things from their point of view without realizing how detached from reality their view is, so when you can't make any sense of their actions, the next logical place is to assume something is wrong with yours.
This creates so much confusion. You were never taught what to do when all the love and support you give gets thrown back in your face. It becomes very easy to internalize the blame that addicts are so good at shifting to you after that.
I think part of the issue I've been trying to point out and feel my way through with this thread is the sense that it often feels like our sayings like the three c's, and insistence that we cannot control our loved one's drinking, feels directly opposed to switching back to talking about codependency and enabling right after. If we truly have no control, where does enabling fit into that equation?
I think for me it comes down to what we've generally agreed upon, that the final choice is up to each individual. That said, our actions do influence them; how couldn't they? None of us exist in a vacuum. Maybe I just take these sayings too literally, but they interest me since control is so integral to the nature of the relationship between addicts and their loved ones. In so many ways it all seems to come back to control, whether by trying to control the outcome of events, our partners, ourselves, our thoughts and emotions, everything really. I think it's most accurate to say we really can't control our addicts, ultimately they will do whatever they choose, but everything we do still has an effect on the world around us. Maybe it's more like the saying "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." Our actions do influence our loved ones, and can influence our personal environments, but at the end of the day they have to choose to drink or not drink.