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07-06-2021, 12:14 AM

# 4 (permalink)

Patcha

Member

Join Date: Oct 2019

Posts: 1,599

Quote:

"Who will I be if I let my addiction go?"

This was a big fear when I first came into recovery. I also thought I'd never have fun again. Not that my drinking had was anything approaching fun by this stage. It felt like breaking up with my best friend (who I later came to see as my worst enemy in disguise). I suffer in a lot of different ways, and my suffering causes me to make the people around me suffer. For example, I give people the cold shoulder when I am upset with them and want them to experience the depth of my disdain. I now see when I am doing that and can mindfully change my behaviour and thoughts with loving-kindness to myself and to others. I am committed to doing what I can to suffer less so I contribute less to the suffering of those around me.

The suffering of craving alcohol, then drinking alcohol, then regretting drinking alcohol is a cycle of perpetual despair. I can sit with the craving now. Instead of fearing it, panicking, trying to get away from it as though it were a shark chasing me in the ocean, I can embrace the craving tenderly, breathe mindfully into it; just be with it. I don't need to do anything except practise loving-kindness towards the craving and the me-who-craves. My constant fear of not being able to tolerate cravings and giving in to cravings was deepening both my cravings and suffering. I no longer need to fear cravings. In fact I look forward to it as an opportunity to practice loving-kindness and mindfulness. I welcome the part of me that I used to hate and fear. I don't do this perfectly and sometimes I still fear and flee, but I am getting better each day.