Macy.....OMG. He was really cruel to you. Pure psychological abuse.
Thank god that you can't "understand" him. You don't have the distorted character---the disordered personality that he has. It will always seem foreign to you.
This is my understanding, from those professionals that study such things---that sociopaths and such narcissistic disorders--it is not that they don't know what they are doing---it is that they DONT CARE. They don't feel like they are doing anything wrong---because they don't have the capacity for empathy and they don't recognize or value inherent human worth of others.
There is also lack of personal insight. So, forget that he will ever change or forgive. He doesn't have the capacity.
I think that you are going to be grieving the loss of this past relationship and past time of your life. It didn't turn out the way you would have wanted---and, that is a great LOSS to you. We all must grieve our losses. I think it is important for you to be aware of this---and the stages of grieving---so, that, when you are going through it, you won't mistakenly assume that it means that you did the wrong thing. You did the right thing.
Along with the usual sadness, anger, bargening, etc. associated with grieving----there seems to be a lot of ruminating about the whole thing, which goes on for quite a while.
lol...I suspect that you are doing it, now. Gosh, I remember doing it to the point that I just felt Krazy, sometimes. I had to learn to just turn my mind off by doing something entirely different to change my brain. Eventually, it does recede
I agree with some of the others, here, who say that they feel that forgiveness is highly over hyped and over rated, these days.
If it does happen---I think that it comes when you are ready for it---and, I think that it happens in the following way-----it happens when you are ready and able to say that certain things have become HISTORY in your llife---and, you accept that history doesnt change itself---it just IS and it is over---in the past---doesn't belong in your present.
to me, it is not so much that you "forgive"---it is just that it doesn't matter, any more. This may take any amount of time that it takes---it may take years or decades for some things---or, maybe never---it just depends. Personally, I don't think that all things are necessarily forgiveabe---somethings just recede so far back in history that they are essentially forgotten....but, of course, that is me.