I've been thinking about something during the past few days on and off, as I observe the patterns and qualities of my AV, and thought to post about it here. I'm sure it has already been mentioned before on some of those complex past AVRT threads because it's so obvious, but maybe interesting to bring up here and now. One feature that really stands out in how my Beast/AV works is how it
completely lacks any long-term consideration and vision. People often say we should live in the present because that's all we truly have, and learn how to live in the moment if we haven't done so... but this was definitely a double-edged sword for me in the past. By nature, I tend to be someone who loves looking at the larger picture in everything, I like forward vision and planning, even thinking about predicting future trends - a lot of my profession involves these even, and the past alcoholism affected those abilities (maybe more the willingness) a lot.
I did realize (was also told by a few others) many years ago that I should focus on and learn to live in the moment more, because somehow my default is so future-oriented (I recall being like that even as a child), and I often lost the spark of the momentum when younger, sometimes didn't know how to enjoy the moment. Well, developing the alcohol addiction definitely changed that, but obviously not in good ways... although I must say I've learned from it, learned about how to focus and stay in the present more, what internal motivations to use for it. Of course the sober version is infinitely better
. I think one of the ways my Beast/AV is in such stark contrast with my sober self that can make good decisions is this orientation to very strictly present vs. longer-range, forward thinking. My addicted part is definitely severely myopic, which is so alien for the rest of me that is not impulsive at all... well, at least emotionally and cognitively (do need eye glasses to correct literal vision). I find this interesting given how what we call the Beast grows out of the part of the brain that normally serves survival... just another indication how degenerate it becomes in the context of our drug / addictive behavior of choice.
In any case, don't know if others have felt a similar very strong contrast. It actually helps me now in practicing AVRT, because I recognize this "myopic" feature and the contrast instantly and very easily, often very early when it pulls me in a wrong direction, not only in situations that may present danger to my sobriety, but also other habits that mostly just waste my time.