Trailmix, thanks for your reply, I really appreciate your input on it.
Which part do you think I'm ignoring? Her drinking? Or the fact that other men have become involved? Because believe me, it's pretty hard to ignore either. When she comes home in the morning she is either hungover or still drunk and so is quite a mess, and I need to clean up her mess, literally. So it's impossible to ignore.
I'm just trying to be pragmatic. Quite frankly, I wish I could just walk away and leave her to her own problems, but I can't leave my child, and I won't burn her life to the ground in order to free myself from these responsibilities.
The sober version and the drunk version of my wife feel like 2 different people, and I still love the sober version, even if I hate the drunk version.
Also, part of me puts myself in her shoes and has some sympathy. Maybe she remembers stumbling across some alcohol that she had previously stashed in the house, and has a moment of weakness and starts drinking it. The next thing she remembers she's waking up in a strange bed, next to a random guy she has no memory of. At an obvious level shes aware that a line was crossed, but since she can't remember it, she has trouble taking ownership of it. She then has to work out where she is and how to get home and when she finally gets home, I'm there making her feel horrible for something that doesn't exist in her memories.
I also have to take into account that it's all very well to assume that this was an active action that she took, but you can also see as a drunk, vunerable women at the bar at closing time, and some guy asks her if she wants to come back theirs to keep drinking. And when she starts drinking, my wife will basically do anything to keep drinking. So to a certain extent, she is being taken advantage of by whichever guy happens to find her at the right time, in whichever pub she happens to be in.
I also feel like I have in the past created situations that make it worst, even if it was unintentionally. When the pubs reopened and she started going out to them, at first I moved money from our main account to our savings account so she wouldn't have the money to buy more drinks. I got an angry call from her and she said I was being controlling and she was going to have to ask guys in the bar to buy her drinks. That was the first night she didn't come home. After that I didn't move the money anymore, but since then she rarely seems to spend any money on the card when she goes to the pub.
I used to work in a bar, I know what happens when a guy starts buying a girl all her drinks. The guy is trying to get her drunk, and he expects something in return. And there is a reason the bouncers would have to check the toilets every 15 minutes.
I don't know what is going to happen in the future. I don't know if she is going to get sober. And if she does, I honestly don't know how I going to deal with what my wife did while she was drunk, and how it will affect our marriage and relationship. I don't know if I can look past it, at the moment I'm nervous to even contemplate the scale of it.
Has anyone else dealt with anything similar? How do you get past it? Can you?
Thanks again for you input, please continue to give it, including on the above. I feel like my best approach at the moment is to tough it out for at least a while longer.