feeling very alone and angry
I have never done this before so if I ramble please try to bear with me... I just feel like I had no where else to turn. I am 22 and have lived with an alcoholic mother since I was 7 years old. I have just recently come to terms with her disease and feel extreme anger towards her that I hate myself for. I can not even be in the same room if she has been drinking and lash out even though I try not to. Last year I finally had the chance to break out on my own by transferring to a college far enough way to get out of the unhealthy environment I have called home for so long. I found out once I got there that things still were not right and I still felt extremely depressed. This year I have gotten a little better and went to a councelor a little while though it did not seem to help. I just do not know what to do when I come home for the holidays everything comes flooding back the pain the anger the depression. I feel like I should just get over this and I feel guilty that I can not. It slowly kills me to see how much worse my mother has gotten..she does not eat or spend time with me all she does is drink and throw up. I just want to somehow deal with all this pain and get her help even though I have told her a thousand times that her drinking bothers me she still will not do anything about it. I just feel I can not be the parent anymore and I am running out of energy fast...I just want to be a somewhat normal person and want a normal caring mother for once.. I also want a life of my own and to not feel so damn guilty about her problem even though she blames me for everything .I dont know who to turn to and how to make things right...I dont know how to make my father open up and realize that she has a problem and that it is not going to fix itself. I would just like to know my mother sober and figure out who the hell I really am for once in my life...the load on my back is getting too heavy to hold I feel I may just break...could someone please let me know how they have gotten through these tough times and the resources I could take advantage of..thanks